Date: April 12, 2016
Days Spent on Project: 1147
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: Nothing today in the shop. Super quiet.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: What is there to say today?
I feel like I need to make these last entries count for something…
Today’s lesson, from my end? You can’t make everyone like you and I think that’s okay.
(Don’t get me wrong. I still want to be loved and appreciated, but that love and appreciation can come from a select group of people… the people I care about and are important to me. Love [and to a certain extent, appreciation] need to be reciprocal, 2-way streets for it to mean anything.)
I came to the realization a few months ago (and exactly why I can’t remember) that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s fine. If I’m going to be true to myself, I’m not going to please everyone. Not everyone is going to be on board with my style, my attitude, my demeanor, my ambition, my goals, my dreams, my life, my whatever. To stay honest with myself and stay proud of myself, I can’t focus my attention (completely) on trying to please other people.
And that’s okay.
Not everyone has to like me.
Act with integrity. Act with a purpose. Act with a goal. Act with empathy and compassion and feeling. Act with strength. Act with courage.
Act with patience and vision and honestly.
I no longer think I’ll be famous. I no longer believe that I’ll get the chance to walk down the red carpet of any situation and hear my name screamed in unison by strangers. I no longer think it’s necessary to be paraded on a stage and handed a trophy. I no longer think it’s necessary to get written up, to get celebrated, to get known by strangers.
I still want to make a difference. I still want to mean something. I still want meaning.
I want friends. I want a partner. I want a family (in any meaning). I still want connection.
But, my definition of connection is getting more specific in ways.
Professionally, I will advocate for the people who I can trust and who bring themselves to sit at the table with me. I don’t want to advocate or use my energy and time to advocate for people who expect me to GIVE them a place at the table. You have to come into the room and pull out the chair for yourself. I will help you. I will open the door for you. I will lead you to the table. But you need to cross the door’s threshold and you need to sit your own self down yourself.
Personally, I will talk and chat and laugh and share and smile. But talk and chat and laugh and share and smile WITH me. Be genuine. Let me tell you, I want so desperately to be genuine and to be genuinely known by you, too.
I’m not universally liked. And I’m okay with that.
The one thousand people I hope to thank with this project? Have you noticed that a few people who made the list aren’t people I like? Everyone who has been included has been meaningful (in lots of different ways), and sometimes meaning isn’t good.
There will hopefully be 1000 people connected to this project that have had meaning in my life. But there are 1000s more people in my life who haven’t had meaning. That sounds terrible, but we can’t all be chapters in everyone’s memoirs. There are people I’ve run across who would probably think of me as a bad or boring episode, and maybe they’d include me in their life summary. Maybe they wouldn’t. I’m more than sure there are more than a few people I’ve come across who don’t think anything of me.
But there are some people who value me.
I can’t please everyone. And it’s okay. And it’s okay not to try to please everyone, too.
My dog is currently standing immediately next to me and staring at my face.
I mean, that’s worth a whole lot. Period.
Know who’s worthy, I guess.
Know who’s and what’s worth it.