Can you believe there are only 20 more to go?
Date: March 30, 2016
Days Spent on Project: 1134
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: Taylor Swift again because why not?
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: What to say today…
I think in the past week, starting last Tuesday and ending last night, that I’ve had to grapple with a lot of professional lessons.
I am no longer in New York. I get that. I haven’t been there for over 20 months. I don’t think I want to be back there necessarily. But, I’m still grappling with- and coming to terms with- the distances in attitudes between the freelancing theater culture of New York and the regional, long-term job prospects of regional theater in the Pacific Northwest.
I still don’t know if my expectations for the people in my shop are too high.
I still don’t know what their expectations are.
I still don’t know what their investment is in this: is it just a job? a paycheck? a thing to do to pass time? something they’ve always done? something they landed into?
Is it fun? Do they enjoy it?
Do they like working here? Do they enjoy working together? Can we enjoy working together?
Those are all hard questions to ask, but then the follow-up questions do, inevitably, follow up.
If I’m staying- and I have no reason to leave, period- what will it take to make this room better? And “better?” What is that?
Better product? Better process? Better budgets? Better labor?
Better conversations? Better relationships? Better camaraderie?
And then… the rub?
If the process has been this- like this- for the past two months and maybe even the past 20 months… what does that say about me?
Am I a leader? Am I effective? Am I good? Can I inspire? I can dream big, of course I can: but do my dreams grow big enough to get other people to dream big as well?
I told a story a few months ago, post job-evaluations: if we’re going to be in the same room and working together, I’d love everyone to get on the same boat with me. Not different boats sailing in the same direction, but the same boat and sailing together in the same direction.
Do people want to be on the boat with me? Or are they okay in their own boat, paddling as they want and can?
Do I want them in my boat?
Do I want them in my boat?
Do they need to be in another boat?
I’d like to think I’m good. I’d like to think that the work I’m doing here- and I do work hard and have worked hard to make what I thought and think are improvements- is appreciated and worth it. I’d like to think I’m going somewhere. I’d like to think this theater is going somewhere.
I’d like to think I’m good. I think that’s all.
I do want other people to think that, too. I do. That’s honest.
I honestly want the confidence to know I’m good.
(And seen and appreciated and wanted and involved and so on… right?)