Block 966: March 16, 2016

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Less than 5 weeks to go, everyone.

Date: March 16, 2016

Crane: 966

Days Spent on Project: 1120

Location: NW Portland, OR

Person I would have sent it to: TBD

Music I listened to while sewing: What’s really funny about letting Spotify play through my favorited songs is that it brings back so many memories! Right now I’m remembering all the songs I added because I had just fallen down the rabbit hole of watching Alexander McQueen runway shows back in late 2013 and early 2014.

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Just want to get this off my chest, because I do think about it daily and especially because the end of this project is approaching slowly and steadily daily.

Thinking back to why I started this project and the what it meant to me at the time and what I hoped it would eventually remind me and teach me…

This project will stop when I hit 1,000 Cranes.

When I was planning this, as loosely as I did, I really latched onto the ‘legend’ of the 1,000 Origami Cranes. I didn’t believe that a wish would be granted when I hit 1,000 of course, but I hoped that something would change.

The goal I decided to work towards was never “Could I *MAKE* 1,000 of these? And how long would that take me?”

Instead the Process of making A Thousand Quilted Cranes was The Goal; my question was: what are The Thousand Things in my life that need to be acknowledged, period?

And I wanted to acknowledge people. I felt so alone and unwanted and un-personable and left behind back in December 2013 when this project started to gestate. I wasn’t alone. I was living in New York, surrounded by people, and managing to barely cobble together enough to exist. But I was having a hard time remembering that people, at one point in my life, seemed to gravitate towards me and that I gravitated towards them.

I was worth something. I had worth. I was worthy.

It probably doesn’t make sense. It might not ever. Perhaps it makes more sense here because I actually have been allowing myself to write down what I’m thinking and feeling and doing and listening to and experiencing. But, I wanted to see if a thousand things could make up the sum total of one thing; if that thing were me, who helped me get to where I was? Who was going to get me to someplace else? Who was giving me worth?

What has made me Me? Were there 1,000 individuals in my past and present? What if there weren’t? What happens if I got/get to 1,000… and felt there were more people to acknowledge? Is that it? Could there possibly be more than 1,000 people in the world that have meant something to me?

It wasn’t meant to seem selfish, but curious….

As I look at the list of people I want to thank, I’m struck by the meaning behind the selections. Some people on that list won’t know me or remember me or care about me or like me. Others will remember me and know me and care about me and even like me. The obvious people- parents and siblings and best friends- that’s expected. But what about the bullies and ex-boyfriends and people who’ve fired me or critiqued me? What about the people who literally do just make sure my coffee is waiting for me when I walk in the coffee shop every morning and do so with a smile?

Who gives our lives worth?

How much can worth be?

Is it a Venti coffee that costs $2.45? Is it the anguish of being broken up with because the attraction is gone? Is it the job offer and work? Is it a hug? Is it a birthday message? Is it always answering a phone call and listening regardless of what you think?

I’m aware that I stopped listing people here when I got to the 720s. But, I am still keeping a list and adding to it elsewhere. I reached- at that number- where I physically and currently was in life and I realized that I didn’t have the distance to be objective and weigh value or meaning.

I know now that I will get to 1,000. At some point, I will have my list of 1,000 people. And there might be more than that. I hope there will be! So, when I have made the 1,000th Crane, a part of this project will have ended. But it won’t be done yet. I’m not sure how I’ll let the world know I’m done. I will be done at some point, and the end is more than finishing one last stitch.

But, yes, I will stop when I reach 1,000. There won’t be more of these to make.

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