Trying to shift my perspective today.
I’m drinking some wine right now. I think it’s helping!
Date: February 7, 2016
Days Spent on Project: 1082
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: Shufflin’ through Spotify this evening.
I watched the Super Bowl Half Time Show at the gym this evening. I couldn’t hear the sound, so I shouldn’t form an opinion, but… meh.
Also, Beyonce’s new song?! That video is genius! The song is genius!
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: If the theater I work at is only going to give me the opportunity to design one show next season… that’s better than this year, when I only designed ONE SCENE of a show, right? (The show is a two-person show, possibly only with two outfits, and my shop will be laid off for it which means no builds or shop support, but it’s a show! Right?)
I have to wrap my head around that I have to find ways to demand that my life and my goals are more important than that institution.
If there is a growing, burning fire inside me that is craving opportunities to design and that fire isn’t decreasing but only getting hotter the more I work with the designers who are brought here to do work, I have to figure out a way either to FEED IT or TAME IT.
I think the answer for both- that will feed it and keep it alive and also control it- is the same.
I have to design.
There have to be other opportunities to design here.
This means I will have to say yes and dive in. This means I will have to figure out a way to get out of Portland and establish more connections in Seattle and get them to see me as an asset up there. If Portland can’t quench my thirst or my ambition, I don’t think the answer is to ignore my feelings.
I have to make something happen.
So, re-work the website. Start emailing everyone I know saying I can work on my own projects again. Re-open The California Project and tackle it earnestly with what I have at my disposal: myself and my body and my ideas and my time. See the theater that employs me as the entity that employs me and NOT as something that is going to fulfill me. Look for other work. Prioritize me.
Yes, yes, YES: paying my bills is awesome and having health insurance is great and not worrying about if I’ll be able to pay rent and buy food is a relief and not defaulting to living off my credit card and adding to my debt is comforting.
So, use my job for what it is. My job is my job. It is unfortunate that I work at a regional theater and I’ve never felt so creatively and theatrically under-utilized. (Can we honestly admit that fact is sad? Think about it. Honestly, think about that.)
I’m good at my job. I am damn good at it. I’ve stopped this Costume Shop from imploding. I’ve helped it. I’ve fixed it. I’ve cleaned it up literally and figuratively. I’ve organized it. I’ve got a schedule for it. I’ve got it on a track that is working.
But, now? Now, I have to keep doing my job and keep improving it, but I have to regain control over my dreams and ambitions and abilities.
I have to get out. I have to get other work. I have to be inspired by other things.
For the moment, keep doing the work. Keep getting the paycheck. Keep living as you’ve been living.
But I need to admit that Portland isn’t big enough to keep me. I need to act like Portland isn’t big enough for me. I have to realize I’m not satisfied if this is the scope of what Portland will ever be. I’m single. I’m frustrated socially, creatively, artistically, intellectually, etc.
I can fix this.
It doesn’t mean I have to leave. Not necessarily do I need to leave here; I have to find a way to look elsewhere and find opportunity elsewhere and create opportunity elsewhere.
Time to re-focus on myself and my goals and my ambition. This theater was never going to be the end for me, and it’s time to grow beyond it, use it, and take advantage of what it can offer me while finding more elsewhere.
Opportunity knocked in July 2014. In February 2016, I’ve learned it’s time to listen for that knock again.
I am not done yet.