““The piece of work is not finished until the audience comes to it and adds their own interpretation, and what the piece of art is about is the grey space in the middle. That grey space in the middle is what the 21st century is going to be about.” –David Bowie
Date: January 14, 2016
Days Spent on Project: 1058
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing:
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I feel like I’m missing out.
Something… I have to be missing out on something. Right?
I would really like to go on a date and flirt. I would really like to go out with a group of people and stay out too late. I would like to be a little drunk in public and smiling with other people around. I would like to stay in and talk no to myself and my dog but to another adult in the room who talked back freely. I would like the lights to come up at the theater or the cinema after credit were rolled and bows were made and turn to someone and discuss opinions. I would like to be surprised by plans. I would like to be included on an adventure. I would like to be swept up in a cloud of activity that had nothing to do with work. I would like to get out.
I would like to have a shared connection with someone that was more than superficial or political or theatrical or of-the-moment.
I would like brunch plans.
I would like an open-ended weekly dinner party.
I would like to make something. I would like to create something. I would like someone to say that they see me create, that they see me make, that they look forward to it. I don’t need someone to tell me that I can do it well– I know I do, deep down, I know
I would like to celebrate the work that we, that I, do here.
I would like to have clothes that I want to wear, that make me feel good about myself, rather than clothes that simply get me dressed and out the door in the morning.
I would like a nap.
I would like to be needed, acknowledged… to be necessary; I would like someone to look forward to me.
I would like to know if this is worth it, if this was worth it, if any of it was worth it in the past.
Is the present worth it? What am I doing? Here? and HERE?
I want to be a team player, instead of a player. I want a team of two. I want there to be a larger team too.
I would like a series of events to cascade on top of each other and get swept up in an undercurrent of irresponsible carefree unsupervised unburdened fun.
Anyway, I know no one is ever going to hand something to me- I know enough not to trust anything to be given to me in any regard or fashion, but I want some help. I want a break. I want a chance.
I’ve had so many chances and so much privilege already, I am very aware of that. I know I’ve been given breaks and chances and opportunities that not every one else has been fortunate enough to step into.
I’ve also worked my ass off. I have.
I know I have to keep working my ass off. I still want to. I still expect to. I will still.
I trust I will get some of my wants and needs at some point.
I’m tired of feeling like the party perpetually happens without me, that the invitation was never extended.
Anyway, back to rehearsal.