Block 885: December 26, 2015

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The days seem so incredibly short here right now. Maybe 8 hours of light if you want to be generous?

Date: December 26, 2015

Crane: 885

Days Spent on Project: 1039

Location: NW Portland, OR

Person I would have sent it to: TBD

Music I listened to while sewing: Back to HAMILTON.

“Non-stop.” All day. All the time. Out loud and very loud. Especially when I was at work today, with a quiet costume shop, I blasted it; the ladies in the shop don’t like musicals. HA!

Why are you working for a theater if you don’t like musicals?

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: One of my biggest fears, listening to HAMILTON today, theatrically at least, is that by moving to and working in Portland, I’ve removed myself from any sort of currency or relevancy.

I work in theater, and yet I worry that I’m not a part of any conversation that’s going to happen.

Hm.

Today, I spent the day at work making a spreadsheet that calculates (estimates) what labor I think next season will take minimally (not knowing designs or logistics and specific dates). It works. I feel like most of my thought is now about figuring over time and daily hours, fighting for what I can, and using math to argue for me.

God, I hope this theater finally lets me design for them next season.

Other thoughts? If I could move back to New York, I’m not sure I would do it. I don’t know where else I would go, but I’m not sure if I could do it right now. I want to be there, but I want different terms next time.

I’d like to flirt with someone again. I’d like to go on a date. I’d like someone to take an interest in me. I’d like to take an interest in someone. No offense to all the women I work with, but where are the gay guys that are MY AGE that I can interact with?

I also started to think about what happens when you die (listening to HAMILTON too much?). What if nothing happens? What if it is just like a battery, too old and used to re-charge or re-boot or re-fresh, and it is just like a machine going to sleep? What if this is it?

If this is it… is this what I want?

What do I want?

What excites me?

What can excite me here?

Where will excite me?

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