I am exhausted right now.
Wow; who decided this week would kick it up PAST 11?
Date: December 7, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 1020
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: Spotify normally sends me another playlist called “Discover” on Mondays. Today, it didn’t. Hm. Maybe it knows somehow that I wasn’t tired of last week’s?
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I am so tired.
Last night, in the interest of being “good,” I didn’t have a nightcap of wine or any junk food at all. I even tried to get in bed at 10pm, thinking I could get at least 8 hours of sleep!
Didn’t happen. I was up until at least 2am, sitting in bed with my mind racing marathons around the world and The Dog snoring and rain pouring outside my window (normally a sound that I enjoy…). Something about this tech rehearsal week is stressing me out. Rehearsing and fitting and finishing a show with 100 costume changes is hard. It’s rough. The shop is a little overwhelmed. Is it because of me? Did I over-design it? Could they have been moving faster? Is this schedule actually finally proving itself to be unfeasible?
Job evaluations. I’m doing a round of them next week, which seems like a crazy time to do so, but it’s actually the perfect time: our last huge show of the season starts its rehearsal the next week. It seems like an opportune time to talk about the past 17 months, the current work, and what we’re working towards. But, wow: I’m about to (constructively) criticize people I manage. Yes they do *good* work, but we still have to get back on track after a few years of no clear leadership.
This next show is a pared down production of a Dickens novel. It isn’t Christmas Carol. I like the director; she’s fun and very welcoming to everyone who works on her shows… but they’re huge and I’m just tired and I don’t want to hold another designer’s hand this season. (Yep, I said that!)
The holidays. I actually think they’re the worst time of the year.
Work and the future. Do we think I’ll get to design another show next season? Do we think I’ll get to hire another employee? Do we think I’ll get the labor and budget money I lost as a last insult from our previous production manager?
Do I like Portland? Where are my people here?
Will I get to work on side projects again? How is working from 9 to 6 each weekday, with additional hours in the evenings and weekends, get to be so damn physically exhausting?
Why is my mind not exhausted?
Am I getting fat here? How do I get to the gym regularly?
I spent a fair amount of time after midnight looking through IKEA’s website for storage solutions for the Costume Shop. (When will people realize we’ve outgrown that space? It’s so OBVIOUS!)
Is this it?
I finally turned off my light and passed out after 2am, waking up at 6am completely awake.
And today was just a race. It’s 8:20 and I’m now home with The Dog snoring next to me once again, like clockwork this routine is.
I can’t wait for next weekend… I’ll be working, sure, but can’t wait for the idea of it.