Here’s an admission: That background fabric is the last *new* piece of fabric to go into this project. I think I have enough pieces of quilting cotton in my stack to get me to One Thousand and never to have duplicated a combination.
The end is in sight.
Date: November 22, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 1006
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: I stopped my binge-listening to Adele today so that I could binge-listen to Ariana Grande. Talk about a shift.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I know it’s probably not THE ANSWER, but I think I need to refocus a bit and concentrate on myself for a while. I need to get to work, do my job (well) and keep improving our game, come home, and only do the things that make me feel okay. Work on this project. Get to the gym. Read. Re-immerse myself in The California Project. Stay present. Stop worrying about the past and my choices and the future and the things that might not materialize. Try to get my sleeping patterns corrected. It’s hard, on the mile walk home from work, not to get sucked into the feeling that I have *yet another* evening to pass alone in my apartment with my dog here and trying to make the time alone disappear.
There’s no reason to hide or drown my feelings and thoughts and desires.
There’s no reason to take out frustration on myself.
There’s no reason to become dependent on the things that don’t help.
There’s no reason to depend on things that don’t help.
So, for now, even if it means being a little anti-social, maybe it’s best to do things that are good for me. And if that is drawing at my desk or quilting additional things or reading books on clothes or watching Netflix or going to the gym or playing with my dog or writing stories on my laptop or cleaning my apartment or doing laundry or just reminding myself that I’m okay and worthwhile and talented and friendly and worthy of friends and smart and capable and able and loved and a part of the world… that’s fine. I need to take a little bit of the doubt of my life out of the equation right now.
Portland may not have the answer. Maybe it does. Maybe this really is just a stop. Or maybe this is the stop. Maybe I will design here. Maybe I won’t ever.
I need to remind myself that I have control over my own feelings and actions and own my life and future.
I have to think things will be okay in the end. I have to act as if things will be okay in the end. I have to believe things will be okay in the end.