Super productive today.
And so ends another weekend.
Date: November 15, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 999
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: I actually had the song “We Are Lucky People” on repeat for several hours this morning. I hope my neighbors appreciate it as much as I do!
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Can anyone tell me what my goals are currently?
I know I’ve bluntly stated that unless certain things change at work before the start of next year’s season, I need to leave. I know I’ve said that means a raise, more help in the shop so I don’t get constantly asked to work 6-7 days a week, and a chance to design.
But what if they don’t deliver? What if they ignore my requests, my reasonings, my hopes?
Do I walk away?
The smart thing would be to look for another job while this season moves along (We still have over six months and 8 shows to go!). And, yes, I have put together a resume that I’ll start sending out soon.
But, what am I working towards again?
I feel like my only motivation is to move. I’m not happy, I’m not thrilled, I’m not excited, I’m not creating, I’m not thinking, I’m not enjoying, I’m not socializing, I’m not progressing. I’m not content.
My impulse is that this isn’t 100% right. My impulse is that something isn’t working for me. My impulse is that I feel empty. My impulse is that- by staying here- I’ve given up on the things that I liked, that I wanted, that I dreamed of, that I worked towards. My impulse is to cut ties and move.
But what I am moving towards?
What is my goal?
What do I want?
By moving, am I just diving into another unknown, in the hopes that THIS TIME something will feel right?
I got a job at Actors Theatre of Louisville when I graduated college because I wanted experience in a costume shop. I left two years later to go to the Yale School of Drama to learn about costume design. I moved to New York three years later, YSD diploma in hand, with the hopes of being a costume designer. I moved to Portland 16 months ago, after 8 years in New York, because it had become too much for me- the grind, the unknown, the poverty, the walls. And here. Here I am, 16 months and 1 and a start of another season into my “tenure” in Portland, and I’m wondering again.
If I feel empty. If I feel bored. If I feel unchallenged. If I feel unrewarded. If I feel lonely. If I feel regret.
If I feel that, is it right?
But WHAT IS RIGHT?