Block 837: November 8, 2015

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I guess no one will offer you the permission to live the life that you want, or realize the dreams that inspire you, or make the choices you need to make to keep yourself invested in the world around you.

I think there needs to be an acceptance that sometimes you have to go out on your own to find the life you inspires you.

I think you give yourself the permission to live.

I’m wondering, more than ever, if you find yourself dreaming and wanting other things, but finding yourself in an environment that can’t allow you to pursue those paths– maybe even actively keeps you from having that journey– maybe it’s necessary to move on.

Date: November 8, 2015

Crane: 837

Days Spent on Project: 992

Location: NW Portland, OR

Person I would have sent it to: TBD

Music I listened to while sewing: Sometimes, Spotify– with it’s weekly “Discover Playlist”– doesn’t seem to understand me at all. Other weeks, Spotify seems to embrace me perfectly and the musical tastes I have.

Currently obsessed with The Colourist’s “Little Games.”

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I think I’m still recovering from the 5 weeks of no time off from work. This weekend, with the grey wet chilly weather of autumn, I’ve only gone out when necessary. My necessities for the past 48 hours have been coffee in the morning, the gym in the afternoon, and then I bought a bottle of wine last night.

I’ve spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about the things I need from Portland (and work) to keep me here.

I’ve decided that designing is more important to me than I realized. I do understand in New York City, I was making most of my money as an assistant or associate designer, so I wasn’t the “One In Charge,” but I could take design jobs as they came and the work assisting taught me valuable lessons about designing for the real world and exposed me to so many resources and ideas that I wouldn’t have learned of otherwise.

I’ve decided that I work hard. (Duh) Because I work hard, I demand that anyone that works for me work hard as well. I know there’s a laissez-faire attitude that permeates most everything in the Portland and the Pacific Northwest. I get it. It’s laid back here in ways that I don’t jive with naturally. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I want time off. I want to find balance. But I demand that– if you’re working for me– you work to do the best job possible.

I’ve decided that I deserve a raise.

I’ve decided I want people to be accountable for their own work, and not let things drift away.

I’ve decided that I do want a social outlet here.

I’ve decided that there might be a chance that Portland won’t be a city that can offer me the chance to design costumes regularly. I’ve decided my shop might not want to push themselves. I’ve decided that the theater might not follow through on their promises they made when I came here.

I’ve decided I need a back-up plan.

Because I’m 36. I’m neither young nor old; I’m in between stages in my life and I don’t have anything major anchoring me to my present circumstances. If this job and this city aren’t allowing me the opportunities to live the life I want or do the thing I want or follow the interests that feed me or make the friends that I need to feel human… If this place can’t deliver, then I need to understand that my journey isn’t over yet.

It may sound arrogant, but I’m not 100% positive that I need to be here.

I think people here need ME to be here.

But I don’t think I NEED to be here.

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