Especially for Halloween.
(This is the last Halloween I’ll be working on this project??)
Date: October 31, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 984
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: Take a guess… I’m still listening to the Original Broadway Cast Recording of Hamilton.
Several epiphanies around this. I know people who sing on this! I’ve worked with some of these people!
Also, now that my brother has been a dad for 2 weeks (and his son is only getting more adorable every day with every photo my brother texts to me), the song “Dear Theodosia” is especially emotional.
Also, the song “Satisfied” is one of those perfect theater-slaps-you-in-the-face moments. Every once in a while, if you see theater, you see a production or listen to a production or experience a production and a scene or a song or a dance or a move will HIT you. It connects with you and to you. If anything, today I learned- thanks to this cast recording- that I’d be crying about Angelica Schuyler’s character. Because I think it might be me sometimes?
Regardless of how I feel about where I am right now, I do believe and I do know and I insist that theater can be transformative. I think it’s one of the most powerful artistic experiences you can have when a show or a production or an experiences lands in front of you.
I still believe what I do– design costumes– contributes to that.
What I do means something.
I mean something.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: On this, my first day off where I had no reason to be at work, I spent most of my day sitting on my couch or sitting at my desk. Most of that time was spent either staring out the window or scrolling through Facebook.
It’s now 8:55pm in Portland. It’s been raining heavily all day. Seemingly, all the rain that we should have had for the past 5 months decided to show up today. My French Bulldog is a bit upset with life at the moment because of it.
I’ve been drinking. I’ve had wine. It’s Saturday. And. Oops.
I did do two loads of laundry (two more to do tomorrow!) and get myself to the gym for some cardio. So, that was good.
My big thought for the day revolves around people.
I don’t get them.
I don’t understand how to interact with them.
I don’t understand how to interpret their interactions with me.
Last night, at the BIG MUSICAL OF THE SEASON’S OPENING NIGHT PARTY, someone who works alongside me at the theater– albiet in a different department that rarely interacts with ours– told me that he “loves me” because I’m such “a hater.”
At the time, I laughed it off. It was a party. It was Opening Night. Everyone had a glass of complimentary wine in hand.
But, on my 15 minute walk home, at 11pm when the streets of Portland were dead and lacking of any kind of human presence, I allowed myself the opportunity to cry.
I am a good person. I believe I am nice. I believe I have friends. I believe people like me. I know that I have good intentions.
That I stepped into a shit-storm of a badly run department with a crazy amount of discontent and frustration and immediately tried to grab the helm of this ship and steer it away from an iceberg… Fuck. Pardon the expression, but FUCK.
That I didn’t outrightly say that things were messed up, but immediately tried to change things, does this mean I’ve been labelled “a hater?”
I’ve been thinking about this a lot today.
I would never say I’m a difficult person.
I do expect people to work and do their assigned job.
I do expect accountability.
I do expect responsibility.
I do expect communication.
I’m confused about the environment at my job in Portland.
Tonight I spent a significant amount of time on my resume.
Just in case you were wondering.