Where do I even begin today?
Date: October 23, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 976
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: Did you all know that Adele has a new single out now? Guess what’s on repeat!
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Let’s talk about duty today.
It’s all seemingly about contradiction right now.
While the possibility of a new job hunt is on the horizon, and another one was forwarded to me today, I feel conflicted about the responsibility I have for the shop I currently manage.
Yes, my dreams didn’t include a rest stop stay in Portland, OR, but I feel we’ve all acknowledged enough that it was necessary for me to take a break from freelancing in New York and have a (somewhat) small sense of security for a period of time.
I think that is now I obvious fact, a definite need that I had in my life.
So, now that I’m here, I’m conflicted about the time I spend here.
The reality is that I’m not sure how long I should stay here because I’m not confident that I’m ready to make a 180 on the goals I had in my life. It would be one thing if I moved to Portland to be with someone or raise a family or support someone, but I don’t have those obvious anchors tethered to me at the moment. It still remains just me and my dog against the world, seemingly.
If I were in love with the city. If I were completely in love with the work we do. If I were in love with someone. If I were in love with my neighborhood. If I were in love with a side project or outlet or hobby.
I’m not held here. I’m not pulled down by a content weight that would tie me here.
So I could float away. I could go away. I could move away. I could leave.
If I make an active pursuit to find another job, however, I’d leave This Shop. Dangling. UNtethered.
I started to redirect the Titanic when I came here 15 months ago, and its so incredibly apparent and obvious and glaring to me now that someone had to. I’m convinced this shop, in it’s almost ten years in this space and then possibly the many years prior to moving into this building, never had someone at the helm of the ship to steer. No one managed. No one ordered. No one focused. I said this yesterday, and one person agreed, that it appeared to me 15 months ago that this was a room filled with islands that were connected only by their proximity and their work history together. There was no team. There was no department. There was no, “We’re here together to work on something together.”
If I left, would I be leaving the Titanic halfway cocked, just possibly barely maybe avoiding an Iceberg. Would it be responsible or reprehensible for me to leave with the helm to spin backwards?
What is this duty I feel to the room surrounding me?
Is this duty helpful to me? Is it harmful to me?
Do I accept the fact that I might not design again and hold onto this sense of duty?
Do I put myself on hold for this organization?
Do I keep moving forward here?
Do I go into a new unknown?
Where should my duty be?
Me Them We Us I They?