Last night at 11pm Portland time, my 34 year-old baby brother texted me a picture of his newborn son.
Welcome to the world, Liam!
You have so many people who love you!
Date: October 17, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 970
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: I hope my neighbors have enjoyed Carly Rae Jepsen as much as I have!
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: It was another day at work today, with the shop putting in at least 8 hours to get this show up and running. You know, we’ve had setbacks throughout the process- fabrics being chosen late, two actors dropping out in the first week of rehearsal, a designer who’s not been as available as she said she was, a director who had to leave town for five days due to family concerns, a credit card that was cancelled due to fraudulent causes, missed package deliveries, etc. etc. etc. I am so over this process.
Which is funny: I just spent the evening being interviewed (with the costume designer for this current show) about what it means to have a process. It was scheduled to last an hour, but we ended up talking for 90 minutes. And then several people talked to me afterwards. And then a co-worker at the theater and I drank a glass of wine and talked about Portland, Life, Work, the Theater and its Politics, and what we thought about it.
It’s been a day. It has.
With the arrival of my new nephew last night and the late-night phone calls and texting between parents and siblings, with the 10 hours at work today, with the three hours of fittings, with the discussion of work and life and frustrations and hopes at work, it’s just been a long day.
I know we all- all humans- struggle with this, but I really want to know that I’m in the right place and that I’m doing work that is good and appreciated and noticed and worthwhile. I want to know I matter. I want to know people know me and think about me and care about me and want me. I want to matter. I want to feel fulfilled and important and excited.
I want to belong.
I want a boyfriend. I want someone *here* besides my dog who is excited to see me.
I want a day off. It’s been 21 days since my last one!
I want to be an adult. I want to be an adult who is surrounded by other adults who act like other adults.
I’m 36 and I still feel just as lost as I did when I was 16.
Okay, that’s enough for tonight. My dog didn’t want to go for his evening walk, so we’re both sitting on the balcony and enjoying the Fall weather this night in Portland.
And enjoying some wine.
I drink too much wine in Portland.
I’ll start detoxing after this show.