Block 809: October 11, 2015

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I woke up this morning, and outside it was a wonderfully overcast day with grey skies, a slight fog, a chill in the air, and a faint drizzle that just made most surfaces barely wet. The dog didn’t even mind it.

It’s now a sky of blue with sporadic clouds scattered everywhere.

It’s Sunday; Show Number 1 closes this afternoon, Show Number 2 has its second preview, and Show Number 3 is prepping for tech rehearsals next weekend.

Date: October 11, 2015

Crane: 809

Days Spent on Project: 964

Location: NW Portland, OR

Person I would have sent it to: TBD

Music I listened to while sewing: Spotify is entertaining me today.

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I had that moment, that weird moment, when I realized I have to get out of here. I have to leave.

No matter the progress made since our last production manager quit over the summer and was quickly replaced immediately after, no matter the steps that have been taken to alleviate some of the burden that was placed on my department, no matter the systems I’ve put in place to keep things moving and on track and document everything, no matter how I’m trying to push for more accountability…

No matter.

I came into work today and was faced with a barrage of emails about crisis after crisis about scheduling. It’s not my problem. I’m working within the calendar and schedule and resources my shop was given by my (old and subsequently gone after quitting) production manager. I’m trying to be responsible and advocate for my shop so we’re not misused, which happened frequently before I came here. Suddenly, it was somehow my problem that we needed fittings with the clothes.

This show has become a burden. It’s been behind from the start. It was under-budgeted. It was placed in a slot where available help wasn’t available. It’s been designed by a designer who’s overcommitted. It’s been expanded upon. Actors have dropped out.

I won’t go farther into it than that.

No matter what progress I feel I’ve made within the shop about schedules and product and quality and attitude and so on… I haven’t been able to make any headway outside the shop, and I realize that’s part of the problem. We’re seen, by others, as people who can be told what to do regardless of outside lives and ability and resources and time.

I think the straw was broken today.

I’ve decided not to go to tonight’s preview (it will certainly force that designer to come to the shop and give her own notes for once). I’m going to come to work to have two new employees sign paperwork and lead a shop meeting to plan the week’s (overwhelming) workload. Then I might leave for the day. I might cancel my appointments (to help other people) and focus on myself.

Yesterday a co-worker and I went out for a drink after work, and he admitted that he will leave his job at the theater sometime this season to move to New York. He’s trying to secure a job out there before he leaves, but he’s made up his mind to leave and that’s that.

I was suddenly so jealous that he could be that brave.

I wish I could be that brave.

This- whatever this is- isn’t working. I don’t expect to be rich or win awards, but this position and job has to give me something for me to stay. An entire month with ONE day off? A previous month with only three days off? Fifty or sixty hour work weeks back-to-back-to-back? No overtime. No comp time. No time to use vacation days or personal time. No time for an outside life. This has to give me something. It has to.

It has to.

Shouldn’t it?

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