Got home from work after 6pm today. What was this thing called a “weekend?”
Date: October 4, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 957
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: Right now my dog is snoring loudly from his bed.
I also turned on Spotify’s “Dancefloor” playlist. I’m hoping that will get me motivated to do something tonight.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Most of today’s work required me to sit and watch a run-through of our second show, which starts technical rehearsals on Tuesday. It’s a play called “Sex with Strangers.” Reading it, I liked it. It premiered in New York a year or two ago; I did want to see it, but never got around to… I couldn’t afford it.
At one point, the female character- a writer who’s resistant to submit a manuscript after her previous experience with publishing a book years ago- is asked my the male character if she’s happy with life. She’s asked if she loves her job. She’s asked if she wants more.
She always deflects. “I like my students!” “I like where it is!”
It reminded me, watching these two actors rehearsing, of so many conversations I have with myself.
At what point in our life do we accept that what we wanted out of Life will probably not happen? At one point do we just accept what we’re giving as everything we’ll get?
I think I’m at that crossroads of wondering if this is it for me again. I keep saying that I won’t be here in Portland for ever. But what if nothing else comes along? What if opportunities never appear? What if no one ever takes a chance on me? What if my days as a designer are done, especially since I’ve taken a job managing a costume shop? What if I ended my career almost 15 months ago when I arrived here?
I hope there’s something more coming. I hope there are still chances for me out there. I hope someone and something and someplace will appear in my life.
I hope this isn’t it.
Okay, I’m still a bit down, and I think it’s because I haven’t eaten anything substantial today yet. It’s almost 8pm, time to eat something.
Here’s to another week ahead!
One day at a time, folks.