I should remember to write a check for this month’s rent tonight.
Date: October 1, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 954
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: I’m still listening to the song “Judge Me” by the Superwalkers.
If last week was spent listening to “Invincible” by Kelly Clarkson and thinking it was my anthem… this new song is my current anthem.
Although, “Invincible” is probably the healthier anthem.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I think this entire project was started– and then continued– on the idea that gratitude and thankfulness were things I needed to practice.
I should be thankful to the people who got me Here.
I should understand that I’ve been lucky, that I’ve met cool people, I know patient and talented and skilled and fun and crazy and demanding and artistic and ambiguous and difficult and easy and awesome people. We all have. That’s a part of life and the experience of Life. I needed and still need to acknowledge that.
I need to acknowledge that, especially now that I’m growing aware that I will grow out of Portland sooner than I realized. It’s not that there are greener pastures elsewhere; it’s that I’m ready for a pasture that needs the yard work to become green. I want to be in a market that expects work. I’m not ready to settle for the green around me.
So, today. Today, I’m incredibly thankful for all the people I’ve met and the learning experiences I’ve had along my very random and stumbled-about 36 year long (so far) life-journey.
From having to deal with dance shoes with very particular dancers and choreographers, from working with drapers and shop managers who would remind me to take a step back during a fitting and let them do their work so I could look in the mirror and give myself a sense of perspective, from the wardrobe supervisors who would insist on needing things to help the overall longevity and integrity of the design, from the mentors who told me to just look at AND SEE the research, from the designers I assisted who kept asking for more, from the assistants I’ve hired who looked to me and asked for instruction, from the rentals managers who made me realize it’s important to label and document and care for everything, from the producers who wanted to understand where the money was going and how I was spending it, from the vendors who would sell me fabric and work with me long distance, from the other designers and colleagues who talked to me about their processes and ideas and hopes, from the directors who let me do the work (and also put up with me), from the people who’ve hired me, from the people who gave me references or recommendations, from the associates who showed me their paperwork and experience and stories, and so many more, from the people who made me– for whatever reason– feel like I was a part of something, from the people who’ve shared their lives with me as boyfriends or maybe more-than-casual friends or just friends but with complications, from the people who answered my phone calls or texts or emails, from my friends, from my enemies…
I just want to say thank you. I’m not brilliant nor am I special nor am I easy to work with all the time, but thank you for teaching and helping and guiding and dealing with me as a person and a designer and an assistant or an associate.
We are only as good or as deep or as experienced as the people we come across.
I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m so very aware of that, but nonetheless:
I have a lot of living and learning and mistaking and succeeding and settling to do with my life still. I’m only 36. I hope there’s more to come; I do hope that, because I’m starting to see and understand that longevity is a gift not afforded to everyone.
Let’s keep stumbling, shall we?