It’s almost 9pm right now.
Date: September 8, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 931
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: I’m sitting in tech rehearsal. Currently, I’m listening to the 20 actors on stage chatting while no one seems to know what we’re working on.
Sigh, only thirty more minutes tonight before we can start packing up.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: What am I doing with my life?
I’m sitting in tech rehearsal in Portland, texting a friend in New York and solidifying a DATE when I’m back in New York this coming weekend.
I’m going to New York to swatch fabric and resources for our next show. It’s something I have a skill with. It’s something that I know how to do. I’m good at it. It will feel so familiar to be back.
I realize by helping this theater do better work, I’m helping the product. I do realize that.
I also realize that the people who run this theater might NOT recognize that things are running more smoothly here nor might they see the product improving. I feel like I’ve helped the process and the product so much since I’ve been here.
I worry that because I’m helping the staff and the designers do better work, I’m acting on a lot of my past experience as the assistant or associate designer. I’m facilitating the process for other people. I’m facilitating their product.
I feel like my dreams of designing are done. Maybe they were always done. Maybe they weren’t every possible or feasible or realistic.
I didn’t want my move to Portland to be the end. I really wanted it to be the start of something. I really wanted it to be a “step to the side but still move forward” kind of move.
I really hope I’m not stuck. I really hope I’m not done. I really hope there’s another opportunity for me.
I can’t wait to be back in New York again. As much as it will be a crazy three days, I can’t wait for that energy again. As unimportant as you are in a city of 8 million people, you just feel important because you’re there.
Maybe important is the wrong word, but you feel something there.
Something. I want that something again.
Grass is always greener.
One step at a time.