Can anyone believe it’s the last day of August already?
Date: August 31, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 923
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: I have had Carly Rae Jepsen’s song “Warm Blood” on repeat for almost 24 hours and I don’t think I mind.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Today things are cruising along at work. I’m actually really glad to be at work today. I’m really happy to be in the office and typing away and dealing with micro-problems but also in this building with things to do and not outside in Portland with nothing to do.
I had a moment last night. It was one of those rare situations when I had actually gone out with the intention of be social and put myself out there. And, I did put myself out there. But, after a while, my mind retreated inside; while I conversed and kept myself socially invested in the scene, I took a moment to look around the room that I was standing in and the people that I was talking with… and I saw a very sad future in front of me that was not anything I wanted as a part of my life, even if it were only a brief moment in my Life History. How did I get there? And why did I think I wanted to be there?
I left immediately, not worrying about social graces other than saying “I was leaving” to the host, and walked home. I turned my head, “I’m leaving,” and just walked out and didn’t really care to look back. What? Why? How? Huh? Really? No…
I immediately texted four friends and explained what happened.
My next text to them was honest: After a year here, I still feel so incredibly alone that it’s getting to a level of desperation that I’m not proud of.
I’m not necessarily homesick for New York City anymore but I can’t stay here if this is what my life will turn into. I know, thirteen and a half months into this “transition” away from New York and freelancing, that I am thinking more positively (on the whole) and thinking more clearly (on the whole) and less hard on myself (on the whole) than right before I left New York. I think. I do think that.
I tell myself that I believe that.
But, it’s starting again, and now I think it’s the routine that my life easily fell into with an overly-full time job which demands weird hours and commitment. I feel isolated again. I feel alone again. I feel under-used mentally and creatively again. I feel bored again. And that’s when the problems start. I know this. Maybe *you* even know this by now.
I want Portland to open up a bit more. I want a bit more of an opportunity here. I don’t like that I’m being told that my design chances are very slim here, especially when friends I know elsewhere say that’s bullshit and people here can’t tell me why they don’t consider me worthy of the work. Maybe it all comes back down to frustration?
All I know, when I’m in New York in three days, I’m already being asked when I can hang out by several people and when I might have time to go to dinner or do something or hang out. And that feels amazing. That feels great.
I do feel like I’m going to be at home for 72 hours. Which is weird, since I wanted to leave so darn quickly a year ago.
Anyway, You do have to put yourself out there and, TRUST ME, I am trying. (Last night certainly was an attempt at something!) But, Lord, help me here. Help me know what I want. Help me know what I need. Help me feel okay or comfortable or secure or right.