One of those days when you just don’t get the chance to sit down and do this until late in the evening.
Date: August 26, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 918
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: A day of no music for me!
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Yesterday got progressively worse as the day went on.
I know there is a huge need to be flexible with theater and the work we do, but WOW. Yesterday was a day where I realized (again) that perhaps there really isn’t a need to pre-plan or try to organize things or plan ahead or keep a schedule here. In the past 13 months here, I have tried to organize the shop clearly so that my employees can work on making costumes efficiently and effectively. I wanted to provide information as helpfully as I could, challenge them with bigger goals, get them better fabrics and materials to work with, keep them focused on the creative stuff, and so on.
The start of this season has been a little shaky. With a somewhat unavailable designer, designs that aren’t really well-thought out or challenging or detailed, the work we’re doing feels a little uninspired and pointless. Cast members have dropped out, been fired, had their roles changed randomly. Information is coming, but isn’t always available in the most clear and timely manner.
And none of it seems to be because of me. I’m not at fault.
I just feel like I’m beating myself against a wall. You can’t improve a situation from the bottom up. You can’t improve a product if things continually get shuffled around. There isn’t going to be a fun process if the process is one-sided or elusive.
I don’t know.
I really do know. I do.
I know that I’m frustrated because I’m disappointed in this designer. She and I are going up for a lot of the same (design) work, and I’m repeatedly being rejected while she’s getting the offers. Her work isn’t challenging us. It’s not exciting us. We’re just doing the work.
I know that the designer is frustrated because she feels cut out by the director.
I know my employees are a little underwhelmed because the work is just… “let’s get it done.”
I have to tell myself there’s a reason I’m here. It’s not that I gave up and this is all Life will offer me. There’s a reason I’m here. There’s a reason I’m still here. There’s a reason that I’m in Portland right now.
I also learned today that a director I worked with in grad school died yesterday. His body was found in his San Francisco apartment. He was 56. I don’t know how I feel about that. He wasn’t someone I had seen or kept in touch with.
I spent some time today in the costume shop talking about immersive theater and the questions and possibilities and ideas it brings up. It’s so fun to talk about. It’s so fun to dream about. That’s exciting to me and for me.
Anyway, it’s late and I’m eating carrots for dinner. I think I’m going to walk the dog again soon and go to bed. Time to put this day to rest.