Ten days until all the stitches in my mouth will be removed.
Two days until the first day of rehearsal for the first play of the season.
It’s 7:24pm on Sunday, August 16, 2015, and I have 13 and a half hours until the work day starts.
Date: August 16, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 908
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: I discovered a musician called Sharleen Spiteri last night. She was a part of a Scottish pop group (oddly enough, in 1999 when I was living in London, that group’s song “Summer Son” was something I listened to often!), but went solo a few years ago. I’ve been listening to her song “I’m Going to Haunt You” on Youtube all day… I can’t find her on Spotify.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: From Facebook, a friend posted this…
“I recently had a convo with my dear friend… and it brought up this funny reality that you physically can’t walk forward while looking backwards. I tested this earlier this summer when I looked forward for real, invoking a list of things I wanted. I spoke them, believed finally that they were mine, and then let go. And I just realized today that they ALL came to pass. Not some. All.
“So I was musing with my friend that there’s something about investigating our own mind’s belief in our deservingness to Have. Sometimes we’re so used to sitting with disappointment or dysfunction, that owning those realities as immovable begins to make more sense than actually having whatever it is we want. Life is complex to be sure. But I think that whether it’s a clear mind, heart-healing, physical strength, laughter, love, good sex, money, creating the art you most want, or finally letting go of something… There is something to the radical act of having less focus on what’s not “right” yet, more on what you believe is yours, and looking up at the horizon from that place. I also might be cukoo, but many schools of thought say this in different ways. Guess I’m finally getting the memo. It’s real.”
I need to do this.
I want to design again. I want that work. I want the opportunity to design costumes. I want to work in a place that will allow me to design costumes. I want to work on theater that excites me. I want to explore theater that excites me. I want to create theater that excites me because I feel, if it excites me enough, shouldn’t it excite others? Find others? Connect to others?
I want more excitement out of this life here. I don’t want to live in a place where I can find things to excite me.
I want to create. I want to find more excitement.
I want to find a place that let’s me be who I want to be. I do not want to work for the rest of my life in a job, in a place, that won’t let me explore what I’ve always wanted to do.
I’d like to be a theater artist again.
I work in a regional theater, and I’ve not felt so unconnected to theater as I have here.