Another day, another dollar. So ready for the weekend.
Date: August 13, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 905
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: Another day for Pandora in the shop.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: You know, it’s 8:27pm on this Thursday night, and it’s so obvious now that the days are getting shorter. When my alarm wakes me up at 6am, the sun- which used to be pouring through the window behind my bed- is only starting to peak out. The sky still has a faint touch of night in it- slightly dusky and a little gray that has yet to burn off.
It’s now darkening. The sky will be dark by 9pm. Was it only a month and a half ago that I was floored to find it so bright AFTER 9pm? Almost daylight until 9:30pm?
The year is winding down, strangely.
Today I had the good fortune of speaking with my mother for almost an hour, while I walked my dog home from work. It was her 16 day check-up; her hip has healed enough that she and my father will head back to their home in Virginia. It’s been 15 days since my own mouth surgery; while things seem to be healing nicely, I still get the opportunity to pack my mouth with gauze and a prescription strength mouthwash 6 times a day.
My mom and I are healing.
Our conversation tonight was enlightening.
I’ve been incredibly frustrated this past week at work, and I’m sure it’s shown on here. I’m dealing with the reality of regional theater, and struggling with the limitations that it brings along. For the record, I will admit that the people I work with daily- the ones I manage- are very talented and they do want a challenge and they’ll gladly do great work and they do deserve recognition for that. I wish, I could give them more opportunities.
I’m struggling because I don’t know how to manage people who disappoint me.
When I lived in New York- when I worked in New York- I was surrounded by people who expected things. Designers wanted their vision to come true. They expected it to happen as best it could. Producers wanted things responsibly done. Actors wanted to look their best. Wardrobe crews expected things to hold up. Technicians expected things in a timely fashion.
I’ve been spoiled in my life that I was surrounded by that attitude. I am accustomed– I was accustomed– I have been accustomed– to the expectation that things would be done a certain way.
I’m learning, regionally, this isn’t always the case.
There are times when I wonder if mediocrity is best in theater. It’s best not to shoot for the moon. It’s best not to have an opinion. It’s best not to try too hard. It’s best not to spend too much. It’s best not to overthin things. You get the sense, sometimes, that the path of least resistance is the best thing to strive for at this level.
This week, I’ve been weighing that thought heavily and repeatedly.
Did I need to go to Yale? Did I need to go to grad school? Did I need to take on student debt? Did I need to try New York.
No. But. YES.
The path I chose is the path that shaped me and brought me here, and I’m glad for it. I am who I am and I don’t regret that. I don’t regret my thoughts. I don’t regret my past. I don’t regret my experience.
I don’t know. At times, when I lay awake at night and I think of all the things I could be doing- that I want to be doing- I get down because I’m not sure they’ll happen here in Portland. When I think about possibly designing a show and ideas come pouring out of my head, I get excited but also sad because is it a waste of time to think that way? When I think about The California Project and how much I want to work on it and how excited it makes me, I feel bad because I’m not sure it’s feasible.
When I think about dating or being friends with people and hanging out and being social, and look around myself and see how UNsocial I’ve become here, I get down.
The path of least resistance, to me, sucks. It seems so boring.
I’m well aware that I will most likely outgrow Portland. I hope other projects come along. I hope other adventures happen. I hope something comes along. I hope someone comes along. I hope I can make some things happen.