Block 749: August 12, 2015

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First fittings of the season start today.

Date: August 12, 2015

Crane: 749

Days Spent on Project: 904

Location: NW Portland, OR

Person I would have sent it to: TBD

Music I listened to while sewing: Not much time this morning, so I had Spotify playing in the background as I rushed around.

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Well, I guess the season has really started now with fittings on two actresses, a video shoot downstairs, and then rehearsal costume requests needed for next Tuesday.

Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing here and Here. I know we all do, and I know none of us have a definite, linear path in Life.

Did I need to go to grad school for this?

Am I just the kind of person who can try and try and try and never get anywhere?

What am I doing wrong here?

I don’t ever think my dream of working as a costume designer will happen.

I don’t think my dream of working on an immersive theater project will happen.

I don’t think anyone here in Portland will see me as anything other than a manager.

I know talent doesn’t mean anything as far as success is concerned. I know it’s all just a case of luck.

I’m a guy who wants to be a costume designer. Unfortunately, I get the impression that women costume designers are preferred.

Or maybe it’s just that I’m not an interesting person? Maybe it’s that I’m not interesting?

Sometimes I still wish I had disappeared.

Sometimes I don’t know why I’m still here.

Sometimes I wonder why I made it here.

Sometimes I wish I would still disappear.

Sometimes I just wish people would call or email or write or text or respond.

I am so lonely here. And I am so tired of trying to pretend otherwise.

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