I feel like the character Bobby in the final moments of the musical COMPANY, thinking and repeating “I’m ready” over and over and over again.
Date: July 24, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 885
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: TBD
Music I listened to while sewing: Again, choosing to listen to my Favorites playlist on Spotify, but on shuffle. Jazz followed by Bruno Mars followed by some movie soundtracks and so on.
I’m fairly eclectic.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Even though my alarm rang at 6:10am today, and I took my dog for a longer than normal walk, I’m feeling a bit behind this morning.
I didn’t sleep well last night. Around 4am, I woke up from a work-related anxiety dream about photo shoots and rehearsal clothes and cranky directors. It seems that the season has officially started: I’ve got worries on my mind!
Instead of making coffee, I drank water and sat on my patio with my dog and felt the sun light come start to crawl through the windows and work its way across the floor. I stayed there for an hour, thinking, until I finally decided to get ready for work.
Do you know what I believe my problem is?
I’m lonely and feeling very much alone. I’d also be so dramatic and say that I feel abandoned out here in the Pacific Northwest. Yes, it’s a kind of self-abandonment, since I put myself here and took myself away from there, but I nonetheless feel isolated from many of things I want in the world.
So, I think any time I get “down” in Portland, it’s really just that I feel like my life here simplified so much more than I thought it would. Yes, the full-time job relieved the stress of always looking for “the next thing,” which is awesome. Yes, the full-time job and the regular paychecks has relieved a lot of my financial stress, which is awesome. Yes, I do feel like there is a balance between work and life and stress.
But, I don’t think I’ve found “my place” yet. Going on Facebook is proving hard as I see my friends talk about shows they’re seeing, shows they’re doing, people they’re seeing, parties they’re attending, etc. I miss that.
I could try to stay away from Facebook entirely, of course, but that seems harsh.
I feel like I sacrificed my “outlets” for comfort when I moved here. Yes, life is easier here. Yes, the nature is beautiful and the culture is interesting and different and slower. Yes, it’s better.
But I miss that opportunity for stimulation that I had.
Anyway, I felt down this morning because I was a little homesick and lonely.
Loneliness sucks sometimes.
But, other than that, things are fine. I just spent two hours organizing spools of thread to look like a rainbow!