Block 711: July 5, 2015

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You know, I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this kind of overly hot weather in Oregon when I moved here a year ago.

I’m ready for this heat wave to end!

Date: July 5, 2015

Crane: 711

Days Spent on Project: 866

Location: NW Portland, OR

Person I would have sent it to: I’m going out of order on this. I don’t want to include the Conway experience in order of how I met people, as I don’t think that’s the right way to do it.

Today’s Crane will be for Zacil N. When I was flying out of LA on May 12th, to arrive in Little Rock in the early evening, I was told to look out for the Assistant Company Manager who’d be waiting to pick me up and drive me to Conway. Again, on the flight out to Atlanta to make a connecting flight, we were delayed due to a large thunderstorm circling Arkansas (all of it, apparently). My flight was delayed and delayed, but we finally made it… when the Little Rock airport was closing (I don’t think, in the four times I was there, that I ever saw the Little Rock airport open and functioning fully, if you can imagine.)

Zacil was there, waiting for me, at the baggage claim. She reminded me that I was late, as if I had something to do with it.

I believe this was Zacil’s second summer with the Festival, but her first working in Company Management. She was very excited about the work and the upcoming summer. She’s very passionate about theater and its ability to transform and help lives; she even wrote a book about her experiences with its transformative power that was published last summer. I never got the chance to pick up the book while I was in Conway, but I was always curious to know more about her backstory and how she had found her way to the Arts.

Music I listened to while sewing: More Sia. Maybe I should find something new for this coming week.

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Do you ever wonder what Life would be like if you knew the Endgame in store for you?

I’m here, but soon I’ll be there. In a few years, I’ll get a promotion. A raise. A bonus. A new job. A boyfriend. A dog. A house. A kid.

I’ll be here for the rest of my life. I’ll bounce around every few years. I’ll pay off my student loans in so many years. I’ll buy myself a car.

Wondering if not having the uncertainty that follows us (read “me”) through Life would make this more pleasant and exciting. Or, if the surprises that come with uncertainty are what keep Life interesting.

Would it be boring if you knew what was going to happen?

I know I must be in a funk because I’ve convinced myself that I must not have been good enough to survive in New York. I’m growing increasingly down whenever I talk to my friends in NYC and they talk as if I’ll see them again. I’ve allowed myself to believe that I gave up, threw out my dreams, by moving here.

Ugh. That’s so not how I need to be thinking.

I need to phrase it: my dreams haven’t died. They changed. If you have to think they died, why not see them as a phoenix that will rise from ashes different but still very much alive.

I need to think: I won’t never see my old friends again. I won’t never have friends that were equal to them. I’ll have new ones. And new things are great.

I need to remind myself: New York is the focal point of A Lot, but not Everything. Things do happen elsewhere.

Maybe I need to renegotiate my job at work. Why do I have to be here over the summer when nothing is going on in my department? Can’t I take another job for two months? Can’t I go somewhere else and explore and learn and discover and improve myself?

Next summer has to be different.

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