Two things. First: Last night I had what is known as The Actor’s Nightmare. (Even people working in costume design aren’t immune, it seems…)
I found myself back in the middle of the last show I designed, which was in performances, and one of the actors got horribly sick. It was decided that I would fit the clothes best out of anyone in the building, so I was dressed and told to go on. I didn’t know any of my lines or blocking. I didn’t fit the clothes at all. I couldn’t find the other actors or the stage. But, strangely, the director came up to me wearing some of the other costumes in the show and admitted that I had done a good job. I woke up terrified.
Second: my sister’s Scottish Terrier passed away yesterday. He wasn’t even 9 years old and his heart failed him. I remember adopting him right after Christmas, a tiny little puppy, in rural Indiana. He was there for my sister as her first marriage was falling apart, through the divorce that followed and was a best friend to her, her daughter, and her son (who was 4 or 5 at the time, maybe?). He was a great dog. Rest in Peace, Wally.
Date: June 15, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 846
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: Matt E.
Matt was another member of Team Sound, that Vinnie (the sound professor at UCI) assembled to take on the task of creating a large sound scape for every area that That California Project played in. It was a huge task for such a small workshop. They divided, I think, themselves into two groups… Technical and Artistic. One group made sure all the speakers and cables and cords were placed where they needed to be and functioned. The other group composed all the different sounds and ideas into one large 45 minute to an hour composition.
Matt was on the artistic side of things, and was really helpful throughout the process. I think he, along with Karli, was one of the first design students that Vinnie wrangled into working with us for those two quick weeks.
Music I listened to while sewing: Guess what I was listening too…
Alexander McQueen’s runway show “Eye” on repeat.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I will allow myself to wallow in some self-doubt for the moment and that will be it.
How do you know you’re where you need to be and doing what you need to be doing and with the people that you need to be with?
I liked living in New York City. I did. But freelancing there as a theater artist wasn’t allowing me to live as I wanted to, and I believe I was spiraling down a depressive loop that wasn’t healthy.
Portland is okay. It’s fine for what it needs to be. The work is okay; it allows me to pay bills and survive and feel comfortable and take care of some things that needed to be taken are of. It allows me to feel like a functional adult. Being able to pay for things as I need to, being able to buy a book because I want something to read, being able to grab lunch from a restaurant instead of not eating… those are awesome things to experience.
But, do I feel connected to Portland? This job? Any person? Not really.
Do I miss the chance to be creative and collaborate and dream? YES.
I just wonder if Life every feels right, you know? Do we ever know if THIS is enough? If this is where we’re supposed to be? If this is the thing you’re supposed to do? If you’ve found the right person or people?
Maybe this is all just the coming down sensation after a few days of no work and a week long visit from my parents. Last week felt great.
Anyway, that’s my moment of self-doubt for the day.
Back to work.
Hug your dogs today, if you have them…