Things feel possible today; I don’t feel crazy.
Date: June 5, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 836
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: 300 and some more people to go… YIKES.
I’m going to allow myself a Back To The Future moment here and skip ahead to now.
I just had a conversation in my office with Sarah F. She’s a puppeteer in Portland whom I hired to assist on some craft work this season. She moved here from New York about seven or eight years ago. She and I have had moments of reminiscing for the east coast. We both miss it. But we both acknowledge that there is opportunity here that doesn’t, CAN’T, exist back out east.
She just finished touring one of her puppet shows in Seattle, and has been back for a little over a week. She leaves for some work in Vermont this weekend.
Over the last two hours, we talked a lot about what we wanted to work on, how she makes things happen, what Portland is like, etc. I really enjoy her energy and how she works and her drive to create. A conversation with her has given me hope that there is support and enthusiasm and ambition here. She’s the kind of person I want to be friends with here.
I can’t wait to hire her to help us this next season if I can.
Just wanted to thank her and get her name in this project before too long had passed. But she’ll bridge to the next group of people- in a way- I promise.
Music I listened to while sewing: “Women Beat Their Men.” Again. Since no one is in the shop, why not turn my office into a little dance party for one?
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: It’s Friday and there seems to be no one on the second floor of the building today. Normally the Operations department is plugging away at some sort of maintenance issue. Maybe someone from the third floor might wander through, on their way to someplace else. But… no one. It seems like it’s just me here today. (Well, The Dog is here today. He’s snoring on the floor right now.)
I’m meeting with someone who works at another theater in two hours to chat. He and I are hopefully gonna trade war stories about costume management in Portland. After that, I hope to leave and start my weekend early.
A friend of mine- an actor I went to the Yale School of Drama with- posted an article on Facebook a few days ago. I don’t know why it scrolled through my feed today, but it did. It was something I’ve run across before; I know I’ve seen it and most probably read it before because it felt so familiar.
Why it is okay to stop pursuing your dream.
We often tell people- younger people, people on the cusp of life, people finishing a milestone- that they should pursue their dreams. Follow your passion. Keep working towards it. Sacrifice. Work. Dedicate yourself. Practice.
You should, yes.
But we never finish the statement. You should follow your dream, but don’t try to cage it.
We change. We grow. We age. We deal. We’re faced with situations and obligations and responsibilities and hardships and reality. We develop and mature and broaden. To say that the dream you had at 14 or 16 or 18 or 22 or 26 is the same dream you need to have at 35 or 40 or 50 or 65 isn’t realistic.
Yes, I wanted to be there and do that. Yes, I accomplished a lot. I did a lot. I worked hard.
But I’m not here. This is my now. I left because things like a steady paycheck and cheaper rents (sorta) and benefits (Yay for insurance!) and a relaxed pace and a smaller city became intriguing. I craved it. I wanted to know what it was like to be comfortable. For a time.
So, the dream? I want to be in New York! I want to design for theater!
Do I still want that?
Sure, in ways, yes; that would be awesome to have that opportunity.
But, what if I had all those years in New York and then at Yale and then in Louisville and Chicago and so on… what if those experiences are getting me ready for my next dream.
I lived in New York. I designed in New York. I did some great things.
Maybe it’s time to allow myself to grow and accept my next dream.
TGIF. Let’s have a great weekend.