Oh dear Lord, what is this going to look like or BE at the end…
Date: June 2, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 833
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: Okay, again, I’m having that fear that I can’t think of 1,000 people for this project. Trying to stay focused…
When I took that first trip to LA- my weekend getaway- in November 2013, I explained it as a “business trip” to the very few, the select people who knew what I was doing.
(See how separate I was from people in New York? No one knew I was just flying to Los Angeles for a weekend until I posted a picture of myself in front of the Hollywood sign.)
I was going for business, I convincingly told people and myself, because I was going to take a meeting with an agent.
My friend Dave- well, he WAS an agent and still is- knew of another agent who was looking to start her own agency and was thinking- thinking- about possibly bringing on other people that actors and performers. She was curious if she could represent designers.
Back in 2013, after being fired from one show and then working with a company that refused to give me a contract (and therefore without obligation to pay me) and then another that was run by some difficult personalities, I was looking for protection. As much as I enjoy being a part of the Designers Union (Local USA 829), I realized they couldn’t necessarily help me when or if I got into those positions. As an assistant or associate, if the lead designer wasn’t going to back me up or support me or fight for me, no one was. I thought, I believed, that with an agent I would have someone who- not necessarily to protect me- would be in my corner.
So, Dave gave my name to Victoria M.
Of course, being in Los Angeles for less than three days and for my first visit and over a weekend with a lot of pre-existing social plans, I didn’t have time to connect with Victoria in person. (That would have been nice.) But she did get my resume and she did give me a call when I was back in New York, sewing dance costumes in my apartment for a very low budget production.
It seemed weird, having that “interview” by phone while I was patterning stretch costumes on my hardwood floor, trying to convince this woman (could she help me and my career get somewhere?) that I was a legit designer who could BE something. I’m not sure she took the bait.
I think Dave must have convinced her that I was someone, or begged for a favor; in the early spring of 2014, Victoria called me and said that a cruise ship was looking to hire a costume designer for a series of productions. Dave was in New York at the time, for the opening of Aladdin on Broadway, he helped talk me through what would be helpful to say or show. So, I put my most recent three shows in portfolios, went to Times Square, and interviewed with two producers and their head of Wardrobe.
I didn’t get it. I think that was my one chance with Victoria before I was scuttled off the list.
But she did try. I did too.
Music I listened to while sewing: More Florrie. There’s this section of music between second 46 and 66 seconds of the song “I Took A Little Something” that just seems like you’re climbing a roller coaster, waiting for the inevitable fun fall to come.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: One of my New York City friends has applied for a job at the theater where I’m working. In his words: “I am so ready to leave New York.”
Another good friend texted me this morning, as I was walking to work, “I miss you. Get me a full time job. I’m over this city.”
I’d gladly offer him a job with me. I’m not sure how Portland would handle him though.
I’m sitting at work. I got here at 8am. I don’t need to be here. There’s no one else here. I didn’t want to be at home. As much as I love my dog, I needed to get out and not take him to work.
I’m incredibly unfocused right now.
Dave just texted me from New York, too. I haven’t spoken to him since the holidays, I think, when I was at my lowest of lows and disliking Portland. I texted a bunch. He replied. His final words: “You are young and haven’t wasted time. You have done a lot and probably a million more things than most people your age. If that place isn’t the place that is gonna let you do what you want hopefully you can find a place that will… It may not be the perfect [job] but I’m happy for you… Are you getting back to the city soon?”
It’s fine here. It’s neither great or terrible. It’s okay. I’ve landed on my feet. I’ve refocused and re-energized myself. I’m feeling more comfortable with myself and about myself. I’m not perfect, but I’m better than when I started this project on February 18, 2013. And it’s possible for me to keep getting better. And if that means I’m going elsewhere or trying something else or staying here, so be it.
Keep moving forward. Never backward. Take care of ourselves!