Back to work today.
And today I also understand the emotional letdown/frustration of walking into your office after a three day weekend…
Date: May 26, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 826
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: That first night in Los Angeles was a whirlwind of possibly epic proportions.
I don’t remember all of it. Sadly. Thankfully. Oops!
Restaurent #1 done and finished. Restaurant/Bar #2 underway and done. Restaurant #3- The Abbey- with it’s music and crowds and lines and several bars and dancers and so on. I think this is the bar where we met up with even more of Dave’s friends. I think they all wanted to meet me. But, I also think that Dave wanted them to show me a good night out in West Hollywood.
At this next bar, I first met Tim L. Over the course of the evening, I learned that he works production on reality TV and, over the course of that weekend (and the later weekend in May when I was visiting for work at UCI), I heard so many stories of what that all entails behind the scenes. I’m not one to watch those shows; I don’t subscribe to cable, so most of my televised content comes via Netflix or YouTube or maybe Amazon Prime, if I’m feeling savvy.
Over the course of that evening, with a few drinks in me, I may have spun yarn after yarn about my life in New York- all of them being tenuous lies that could have easily been disproven if people had known me longer than an hour. I don’t know if I was trying to make myself sound cool or interesting. I don’t even know if I was trying to make myself sound more pathetic than I was.
Looking back, at my self-esteem and views on life in New York as an honestly impoverished person, I’m sure I was looking to make myself sound “real.” Whatever that means.
Later that weekend, I’d reconnect with Tim at a brunch for several people. Later in May, the same group went out for brunch again. In the months between, he and I friended each other on Facebook. This time, he was curious to know about my Cranes Project, and what that was for.
Music I listened to while sewing: I found a new playlist called “Dance All Day” on Spotify. Since I’m the only person in the costume shop, I’ve got the volume turned up loud.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: So, after the crazy fun times of Sunday, with brunch and movies and mid-afternoon fries and furniture window shopping, yesterday was kind of a social hangover.
I got up, worked on this project, took the dog for a long early afternoon walk, got ready to wander around Portland and see things, and started. About 20 minutes into my explorations, I turned around and went home. I made myself a sandwich. I took a nap. I woke up and watched some Netflix. I walked the dog again. I went home.
I was in a funk. After some thinking on my part, I realized I was just feeling lonely.
I know that I’ve basically- not even a year ago- completely uprooted my life and career. I got rid of most of my big possessions (Goodbye furniture!). I disappeared from the work network that I was starting to establish in New York for one that’s a full 180 degrees different in so many ways. I just survived managing a shop through a theater’s largest season yet (11 shows in 9 months) and am looking forward (ha) to next season, which is actually larger for us on paper. I haven’t had much time to “go out,” to be irresponsible, to try to dig my way into a group or a scene or even a person.
Jeez, I’m lonely.
Yesterday was another day where my continual thought was: “Maybe I don’t belong here? Shouldn’t it be easier to drop anchor in a new city?”
I’m not sure it is, anymore. A full 10 and a half months after my move, I realize that choice was freaking serious. But it wasn’t a final choice. I allow myself this safety net: this is only a temporary place for me. This doesn’t have to be permanent. Other opportunities may come along. Take one if you need to.
And that would be okay. But, I have to remember that I’d probably be dealing with the same feelings of isolation and confusion that I do here in Portland, OR.
Or I might not. Maybe I’m not gelling with this city because I’m not that “Portland.” If that’s the truth, that’s okay.
Anyway, I think my funk is all about loneliness. I must right this. I think I’m the kind of person who is worthy of friends. I think I’m interesting. I think I have good ideas.
Gotta try to make this happen this summer.