Block 608: February 18, 2015

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I started this project two years ago today. I am so the same person and such a different person at the same time.

Date: February 18, 2015

Crane: 608

Days Spent on Project: 729

Location: NW Portland, OR

Person I would have sent it to: I really need to go back and thank people who were involved in one other show in 2012…

It was a hot mess. It just was. Everything about it was mis-guided and I don’t know how I got involved in it. I should have backed out; it seemed odd from the very start and, in hindsight, I should have trusted my gut. I would have been so much happier and healthier in the long run if I had, indeed, run away.

I will try not to be mean. Much of my residual anger (that is thankfully past) was directed at the costume designer I was working with… She’s been mentioned on here before, and I had to think hard about including her in this project since I have such bad feelings about her. But, the experience of her was life-shaping and one of the big reasons I started to say: “I think I need to leave New York.”

Danny W. was the director.

I’ve thanked a lot of people on this project who had a vision or a desire to do something. Danny did as well. And he followed that desire.

I hope when I follow my theatrical ambitions, I can follow them with as much passion as he had.

That’s what I’ll say.

Music I listened to while sewing: It’s another round of tech at the theater, so no music for me!

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Didn’t sleep well again last night.

This time, I know it was partly because I had some wine right before bed to calm down. Yesterday was another day spent wondering what was going on at work. The nightmares were oddly specific, and involved everyone who works in my shop, so I know my brain never shut the work-day anxieties down properly.

I kept dreaming that I would get into heated discussions with everyone in the shop, causing people to quit en masse, and then being left alone in one of our back stairwells (with the head of operations staring on), crying and stuttering painfully and getting increasingly angry that I couldn’t speak at all.

Sounds like I’m worried.

Reminds me of the long periods of nightmares last winter when I’d repeatedly dream about losing my teeth one by one.

Dreams are weird. Turns out that dreaming about losing teeth is actually common, and usually revolves around decisions and feeling helpless.

Turns out dreaming about uncontrollable stuttering is an anxiety dream… surprise… about not feeling like you’re being heard or about not being able to communicate what you really want to.

Oh well.

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