Number 600. Only 400 to go.
When I first started this, it seemed so funny to say, “I’ve done FIVE, I’ve ONLY got 995 more to go!”
This project is… just… well, it’s just a long one.
Date: February 10, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 721
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: Tony B.
Tony was yet another one of the Sleep No More performers. Again, this is borderline fan-boying, but he’s another one of those people that defines the SNM experience for me. I’ll leave it at that.
Music I listened to while sewing: I had Fort Fairfield on while I was sewing.
I used to listen to them all the time.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Today, I’ve been thinking. Like I always do.
I’m not sure I’m one to believe in Fate or Destiny– or even Luck– these days, but I’ve been wondering if everything in our life happens for a reason, every step or bump or event or crisis or celebration or achievement or tedious little annoyance leads us towards a Capital S Something, then THIS has to be a part of the Grand Scheme of my life, right? Where I am now will take me somewhere else, yes? I will learn something or experience something or see something or meet someone or do something or…
But, it also very well might not lead to a Capital S Something. It might just keep going. And going.
And then I thought, well: Jeez, if you’re frustrated with your life, what other options do you have? No life? If you have no life, then you wouldn’t even be dead. You’d just not exist, so you’d never even know what the emotion “frustration” was like, let alone happiness or what being “content” was like. So, that’s not any better.
Somehow I have to use this time in Portland to figure out what the Next Thing is. Maybe it’s not even The Next Thing; maybe it’s The Thing that I need to focus on more specifically. I’m no longer convinced that Portland The City will seduce me on its own- even though people tell me that the brew pubs and food carts and food scene and drinking scene are all awesome things to latch onto here.
It may sound antithetical to my dilemma of needing more friends here, but I really feel like I need to focus on me and my work right now, so I can get somewhere else.
Yes, that means this project. It also means getting to the gym because I do need that exercise in my life to help my brain sort things out. I have a lot of work to do if I want to figure out how to make the theater I want to work on. Yes, I like designing costumes. I do. And my day job is turning more and more into itemizing receipts and setting up schedules and ordering supplies; it’s even less about design than assisting was. If I’m not going to get it here at my job at a regional theater, it’s time to make it or find it elsewhere… either in Portland or somewhere else.
I’m not ready to give up yet.
Sure, I like not being stressed out and I like getting a paycheck (how novel!), but– at 35– I don’t feel like I’m “done” yet.
Maybe I’m just being spoiled. Or naive. Or foolish.
But, I’m choosing to think of Portland as a step to something else, rather than my destination, because it makes me feel so much more comfortable here. I don’t want to give up. I’m not ready for that yet. I just need to re-focus and take advantage of what this opportunity– because it is an opportunity after all– is affording me.
I have time. I have a little bit of financial security.
So, let’s keep working.