I’ve gone from the blues back to the reds today.
The mean reds.
Date: February 2, 2015
Days Spent on Project: 713
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: I’d dedicate this one to someone else I met through Sleep No More.
Back in 2013, when I was asked to work their Halloween party, there was a group of us, all gathered together than we were going TO BE WORKING WITH THEM. I think we were all trying to play it cool, but I’m fairly certain that some of us were just enamored to be in the building with THEM.
Anyway, Jamie was one of those other hopeful fans that was lured to the McKittrick for that party.
When I got there, kinda awestruck that I was there, when the building wasn’t in performance mode, I didn’t know who exactly to gravitate towards. Jamie was one of the kind souls I struck up conversations with; he was an actor and a playwright working in New York. At the end of it all- the rehearsals and the dress runs and the performances and the parties, he was someone I was sure to friend on Facebook.
Why do I keep feeling that party- those nights there- were some of the highlights of my New York Time?
What does that all mean?
Music I listened to while sewing: We have even less going on in the shop today, which means it’s so silent…
… you can hear a pin drop.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: So, as much progress as I made after I left New York and moved to Portland last summer, I have to say that it all feels undone in the past month.
I’m back to thinking and feeling so incredibly down about my prospects in life.
I feel like I just switched one city for another.
As few good friends as I had in New York, I have fewer here.
I think that’s what it all comes down to. I have this feeling that, if I were to die here in Portland, no one would notice. I have this fear that people in New York wouldn’t care; my friends there would just assume I was busy and/or doing something. My family wouldn’t hear about it. The people at my work wouldn’t know what to do or who to call. My dog would be alone.
And I think that’s the weird part; I’m even more alone HERE than I was THERE.
I’m starting to get that sense of isolation that was very heavy out there.
Yes, I have work to go to everyday, but I’m learning to distance myself from a lot of the people here. I don’t want to necessarily, but I feel like boundaries will keep me from investing in the work and the situations happening here.
I want to find My Group here, and I know it’s been six months and good friends don’t just pop out of the woodwork when you want them to, but… if good friends aren’t going to be at work and my neighborhood isn’t what I had hoped it to be… I need to find other places to look.