Block 588: January 28, 2015


This one looks vaguely like Crane 586, but I swear the fabrics are different!

Date: January 28, 2015

Crane: 588

Days Spent on Project: 708

Location: NW Portland, OR

Person I would have sent it to: Eduardo C.

Eduardo was, well, what was his official title on Newsies?


Eduardo worked with Disney Theatricals. He was more than a company manager. I wouldn’t call him the production manager at DT.

Well, just told me that he is and has been both Company Manager and the Production Manager of several productions that were on Broadway. So there you go.

When we were at Paper Mill with Newsies, Eduardo was one of the biggest proponents and supporters of the show. He wanted it to get the right momentum and be the best he could be.

As one of the Associate Designers involved in the show, he was in charge of hiring me and approving all the money that we wanted to spend and paying everyone and making sure the show happened. He was a very great and supportive energy, very professional, and he always appeared calm and as if he knew his stuff.

I’m having one of those days when I really wish I had made a better impression on people in New York.

I knew some great people in that city and I really wish I had found a way to make it work.

As hard as it is/was/would be to live there, I wish I had found a way to make it work.

Eduardo was a very good guy and I’m really glad to have worked with the people at Disney Theatricals and to have had that experience in my life.

Music I listened to while sewing: I’m just letting Spotify randomly shuffle through things today. Nothing special at all.

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Tell me to calm down.

I’m so in a mood right now. I just am. There’s no way to deny it. I’m in a mood.

I’m struggling with the last remaining whiffs of memory of the guy who had this job before me, and trying to undo that attitude and his approach to things. I’m tired of being compared to a guy I never met, whose only work I saw was admittedly “phoned in,” who didn’t leave any paperwork trails or info on what was going on here. I am not that person. I won’t be that person. I don’t know how, after six months, that I’m still dealing with faint “we used to do this” mutterings.

A friend casually emailed me this morning his resume to “catch up on life.” He told me where he is in the country (which isn’t New York), and stated this: “I am still figuring out if I can be here (city redacted) long-term and have the career I want. I’m sure you know that struggle.”

Boom. There we have it.

I like getting a paycheck. I like not being poor. I like being able to buy things and pay my bills and getting groceries and buying a book whenever I want to (still didn’t buy yesterday’s hoped for $120 book purchase because it’s scary).

But do I enjoy what I’m doing?

Yes, the organizational side of design is something I’m good at and something I enjoy doing, but… BUT… if my career is going to turn into approving weekly hours, itemizing receipts, scheduling hair appointments, and ordering shop supplies with the HOPE that I’ll get to design ONE small show every year, is that enough?

Is that all there is?

Is that all there will be?

Where is the balance?

It wasn’t great in New York.

But it feels stale right now.


Like I said, I’m in a mood. I don’t know if I’m homesick or lonely or bored or jealous or sad or abandoned or so on. I don’t know what I’m really feeling.

What a mood.

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