Block 549: December 14, 2014


Sometimes the best thing you can do on a Sunday morning is sit next to your French Bulldog and give him a neck massage until he falls asleep.

Date: December 14, 2014

Crane: 549

Days Spent on Project: 664

Location: NW Portland, OR

Person I would have sent it to: Daniel B.

When I was assisting Candice at the Manhattan School of Music, I would have to go to their production/school offices almost daily to check for any packages shipped to us, to schedule fitting requests with Chris M., and also… I had to work with Daniel B. on issues of money and logistics.

I don’t really know what his job title was. Maybe I did and I just chose to forget. But, in that office, a desk sat on the left side of the room, immediately visible and welcoming to anyone visiting the office: my friend sat there. On the right side of the room, semi-obscured by the door, almost hidden, sat Daniel.

I always tried to do my business, first and foremost, with Chris. But, I still had to work with Daniel… and our conversations usually revolved around getting money for purchases.

He was also the one who told me that the school wasn’t going to be paying me for my work. He had assumed that my time with the show was to be pro bono. There wasn’t any money for me. Period.

And, see, this is where life seems to flip upside down for a long, and serious spell. At this point– winter and spring of 2011– I started a series of projects where my worth was always a line item that was always under negotiation. I was helpful. I did work. I got things going. I worked with people to make things happen.

But my value was always under question for the moment.

2011 seems like ages ago. I’m now– concerning this project– only three and a half years in the past at this point. And what’s weird about it… looking back… that year seems to be a big shift again in my life. 2009 started out really difficult emotionally (little work and losing a boyfriend whom you thought was a big part of your New York life), but it ended on such a huge high with Fela! blasting its way onto Broadway. 2010 was my most (financially) successful and busiest year to date. 2011 started out with some expectations, but was rocky. I was busy, but I was hustling again and desperate. I hadn’t been desperate in 2 years at that point. It would end better, but it was a year about needing to scramble and adjust expectations.

Anyway, Daniel was the first guy to tell me that I wasn’t going to be paid for my work. And that sucks, yes it does, and it’s nothing against him at all. Lord knows I need to take none of this business personally. Lord knows I shouldn’t invest myself in the work, which seems contradictory to what theater is supposed to be.

I want to invest myself in it. I don’t think the world around you wants you to. Investing implies money and work and labor and effort and emotion… and all to often I feel the world wants you to coast through things.

The world seems to want you to move from point to point without pausing or noticing the details around you.

That’s pretty bleak.

Music I listened to while sewing: It was recommended to me, via Spotify, to listen to the Album “Worlds” by Porter Robinson. Spotify may know me better than anyone on this side of the country right now.

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a Mercury Retrograde happening right now, with all the miscommunication going on around me.

It was a full moon this week. Maybe that has something to do with it.

I also think it’s weird that it’s December 14th. Christmas is 11 days away? How did that happen? One of the people in the costume shop asked what I was doing for the holidays.

I deflected the question.


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