Slow Saturday here.
Date: December 13, 2014
Days Spent on Project: 663
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: I need to figure out a way to check and make sure I’m not double dipping with my thanks. Yeah, I have a system, but I think I need a better one…
Stephen is actually someone I met back at Kenyon College in Ohio. He was a friend of Ilona’s, and had been for a while, who was going to college at Ohio Wesleyan University. He would visit randomly throughout the school year, mainly when parties were on the social calendar. So, I remember, when I was around him, having a good time.
He lived in New York for a long while; when I was interviewing for grad schools (NYU), I stayed with Ilona and him in their apartment in Hell’s Kitchen. I remember, green as I was, taking cabs with them across the city and having no idea where I was going and what was around me. Now, I know they pointed out Madison Square Park, the Flatiron, took me to the East Village, the West Village, Chelsea, bars in Hell’s Kitchen, 5th Avenue near Central Park, Trump Tower, and so on. It was a busy weekend and, despite the “stressful” situation, I had a good time.
A few years back- maybe around 2009- I was taking the N or the R uptown to run errands. Somewhere around 14th Street, I remember looking up and seeing Stephen sitting across from me. Behind sunglasses, I’m not sure he recognized me. Inside my iPod, I’m not sure he would have interrupted me. He got off the subway at 23rd street, I think, and went on his way.
He now lives in San Francisco, married to a guy he met out there, and seems to be having a really great life out there.
Music I listened to while sewing: I’m listening to a series of Royksopp covers/remixes of Robyn songs. In truth, I’m listening to the same song over and over and over. (In more truth, the Stephen above posted this song on Facebook, which reminded me about him this morning and how I hadn’t included him in this project yet.)
Here’s a thought? What if, instead of running out of people to thank before this project ends, I don’t? And what if I forget to thank people who were there along the way, but don’t stick out as easily as others?
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Last night, being more than a little bored, I bought two Alexander McQueen scarves for myself. (I hope to use one in a show I’m designing right now, so it was partially for work!) For the price I paid, I’ convinced they’re fakes, but who cares… As long as they’re silk, they’ll be great. And I doubt anyone here is going to question or know how to determine their authenticity.
Last night, I also sent along a series of texts to people in New York, telling them that I missed them and hoped they were well and happy.
Because I miss them. And I’m proud of them for making it work.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not a good person. That I’m not a good enough friend. I keep feeling that people would miss me if I was a part of their lives. I keep feeling that my life is all about relationships ending and moving on and going through experiences alone. And, like my mother told me once, I’m the common thread through all of these experiences or non-experiences.
I’ve been told that no one here has a reason to trust me — maybe even like me — yet. So I have to prove to them that I’m good, that I’m nice, that I’m worth it. I’ve been reminded that people don’t have to give me the benefit of the doubt. And that if they don’t want me, they don’t have to keep me.
My mother is worried that I’m going to be fired here.
I don’t know why she believes that. I haven’t done anything wrong. I haven’t messed up. Only once have I put my foot down, refusing to do someone a favor. Anytime I have an opinion, and express it, I have valid reasons explaining why. And I always seem to make sense.
I don’t get what I’ve done wrong to not have anyone’s trust here.
Does this mean I need to withdraw from it? Not invest in it?
That seems contradictory to working in theater. But maybe it’s the right thing to do.