You know what? I don’t think it’s hubris to say or feel that you’re good enough. I think that’s the way it should be.
Date: December 10, 2014
Days Spent on Project: 660
Location: NW Portland, OR
Person I would have sent it to: Andrea H.
When I started assisting Katherine at the Public in the winter of 2011, my first assignment was to take the 6 down to Union Station, then to catch the L and ride it for what seemed like an ungodly long time. Out in the far-reaches of Brooklyn– where Brooklyn actually becomes Queens again– there you’ll find the costume storage facility for the Public Theater.
That was my first time there. It was a few days after another one of those New York snow storms, and I was sporting old, almost water-proof boots, and a wool peacoat that had seen better days. I was told to go to a bodega on a particular corner, and wait for Andrea to meet me.
What exactly was her job title? Assistant Costume Shop Manager? She seemed to do everything at the Public in the costume department. She helped coordinate fittings, getting to storage, shopping, receipts, paperwork, and so on. She was wickedly clever, and had a cutting sense of humor about her. When she was on a roll, she was entertaining to be around.
At that time, in the winter of 2011, Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson was playing uptown on Broadway. Andrea, having worked on the Public’s production of it previously had helped transfer it to Broadway. One of my Yale classmates was the costume designer; Andrea and I bonded over the shared acquaintance.
The last time I worked at the Public- this was before, during, and after Hurricane Sandy- Andrea told me that she was getting married to her longtime boyfriend. It’s been two years since that production, so I assume they’re married now.
I do know that Andrea has started to freelance more often these days, as a designer. I gather, with all the connections she made at the Public and the skills/experience she has, she’ll work frequently. She was good.
Music I listened to while sewing: I’ve got Ken Burn’s soundtrack to his documentary “Jazz” on today. Really great music.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: It’s not enough to realize that while *I* have thoughts of being good enough and having skills and intelligence– that I deserve to be here and deserve to be seen and acknowledged– you realluy have to understand that everyone feels those feelings.
And while I struggle with feelings of “why am I here?” or struggle with doubts and insecurities and imperfections, others do too.
It’s very Pollyanna-ish of me to realize this, I understand, but it has to be true that we’re all stumbling along our own private journeys, trying to make it all work as best as we can. Sure, some people seem to string life’s events along a series of successes and victories. Sure, some people get knocked down and have trouble righting themselves back up.
But those success stories? They have to have imperfections and doubts and fears too.
And those people who need help? They still know that they have a right to exist too.
It’s all a lot to take in as you walk along the streets. Everyone has a mother and a father. Everyone is moving towards and away from ideas or situations or places. Everyone wants to do some thing. Everyone wants to be recognized. Everyone wants, to a degree, to be accepted.
Where and when did we start to believe we’re all different from each other?