Block 515: November 10, 2014

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Rise and Shine; it’s Monday!

Date: November 10, 2014

Crane: 515

Days Spent on Project: 630

Location: NW Portland, OR

Person I would have sent it to: Jason C.

Jason was another one of Alison’s gang (from her undergrad years at Harvard) that enveloped me a few times as I was trying to land on my feet after that break-up fiasco in 2009. It wasn’t more than a few times, mostly at parties, but he was someone to be social with…

It’s funny, looking bak at that relationship, and how much it destroyed me for months and maybe a year afterward. For the better part of 14 months- which isn’t *really* a long time when you think of life as a whole- my boyfriend and I became a couple, for all that it means. If I was in town, and not working on a show, I’d head to his apartment. If it was the weekend, we’d hang out.

But, truthfully, I wasn’t the greatest boyfriend either. Something about the long hours and being freelance and always desperate for work and financially broke or unstable didn’t lend to being available completely. He, being a social planner for a private hotel in Midtown, had access to work and was paid regularly and wanted to– needed to do– research for his work by going out. I was, more often than not, the stick in the mud that worried about over-spending anything, and being surrounded by people who could enjoy things.

I do sometimes wonder if it would have worked out if I wasn’t saddled with the baggage of choosing to work as a theater artist in New York City. I’m not sure if it would have because I do think there was an element of ambition that he wasn’t ready to lower at that point. But, I don’t think I helped, being an anchor.

Music I listened to while sewing: I’m listening to “Lakeshore” by BestFriends on repeat today. As I did yesterday.

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I was up until 2am last night.

Here’s a funny thing, living in Portland. I’m conscious of more things. I am more aware of myself and the world around me and navigating through it. My mind is working more. I’m dreaming here. There are reasons for this.

But, ultimately, I think the important thing to note is that I’m lucid and fully functioning here.

There’s so much time to think. There’s so much time here, and my mind spends a lot of time running races that it wasn’t getting the chance to do in New York.

Which fabric is right for this dress? When will they talk budgeting for next year? How can I run this shop better? Did they understand me? Will I get the chance to design more? How can I work on that immersive project again? Will I stay here? What’s going on in New York?

I have so many things to think about here, that I just didn’t have the mental space to think/worry about.

And I suppose that’s a good thing. My mind is functioning again.

But, I would like to have some distractions here, so I don’t think like *this* all the time.

Case in point, I was up until 1am on Saturday night, drawing, and then up until 2am last night, reading.

You take the good with the bad…

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