Didn’t sleep very well last night; it seems that my New York anxiety came with me to Los Angeles.
Date: May 6, 2014
Days Spent on Project: 443
Location: West Hollywood, CA
Person I would have sent it to: Todd S.
The summer that I spent in Wisconsin, designing three shows for Peninsula Players, ended on both a good and small note. After having cranked out and birthed a large production of Little Shop of Horrors in two and a half weeks, I was relieved to design a much simpler and more straightforward play, Doubt.
Four characters? Two of whom wore nun’s habits and one whom only appeared in a very brief scene? No problem after the countless outfits worn in Little Shop.
I did the research. I figured out what the people would wear and why they wore specific colors, a specific kind of habit, etc. I hired a friend in Louisville to make the habits and bonnets. I found the priest’s clothes online. It wasn’t “easy” per se, but it’s size and scope were very much appreciated.
Doubt’s director was Todd S. At the time, he was also the Artistic Director of Pen Players, but he soon moved to New Jersey with his partner to lead another regional theater. After that, he also advanced to leading an even bigger regional theater there.
Music I listened to while sewing: I can hear the birds outside the window this morning.
That’s actually very nice to hear.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: So. Hm. I’ve been in LA for 11 days now, and this is my first morning where I feel an unwelcome sense of anxiety creeping back.
I’m not too happy about it.
In two days, it will have been six weeks (!) since I took a day trip to Pennsylvania to interview for a job teaching at a college. I’m slowly coming to the realization that I didn’t get the job as I haven’t heard any news or communication from them. What once seemed possible, now seems closed off.
Before I flew out to LA, I told myself that I’d use the time away (over two weeks in LA, then over 4 weeks in Arkansas) to decide what the next step in my life could be.
Would I stay in New York? Would I refuse to return?
I told myself that the decision would be made upon hearing from this college. If I got the job, I’d actually be expected to stay in New York (something about the college wanting “current working artists from the city”). I’d have a bit of financial security. I’d have a job that would keep me busy for at least 12 months. I’d stay.
I haven’t heard anything back yet, and the chances now seem to be getting smaller by the day.
I’m also becoming aware that I’ve been happier, more upbeat, more excited about things, about life, while here in LA. I can’t decide if that happiness comes from the friends I’m seeing daily here, the daily rehearsals, The California Project, the sun, the blue skies, the food, the cleanliness of LA…
So, it was a night of debating if I’m going to stay true to the ultimatum given to myself by myself back in New York.
Was the decision just made for me?
I’m worried that I’d be a fraud if I kept moving forward in this direction.
It’s mornings like this one when I realize how much I miss my dog.
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Life is hitting you right plumb in the kisser, young one! You might now remember — as we all frequently forget — that you have experienced anxious, life-changing moments like these all too many times. They have an uncanny way of working themselves out, don’t you think? Your choice will be the right choice for you.