Date: April 18, 2014
Days Spent on Project: 425
LocationL Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Driscoll O.
Driscoll was a lighting designer at the Brown/Trinity Rep Consortium the second (half) season I was there, from 2007-2008. We only had the opportunity to finish one show together. The second (and final) production of that academic year, he was called away to design the lights for a show out in California.
I mean, how could our production designer say, “No, you can’t work in a legitimate regional theater.” You just kinda have to to go and take the opportunity as it arrives.
Driscoll was a lot of fun on the one production we did together- an 18th Century set production of Marriage of Figaro, that was staged like a rock concert. (It sounds weird on paper, but it worked really really well).
He has somehow managed to get in some TV work, which is awesome. For some reason, I think he might be involved with Game of Thrones… somehow? I may be imagining that though.
Music I listened to while sewing: Today it’s something new! I’ve been introduced to the group Slow Magic, thanks to Spotify. Their song “Corvette Cassette” is really fun.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Another night of fitful, restless sleep. This time, I went to bed before 11pm (a small victory), but found myself up and awake and mind-racing at 2am.
And what is it about exactly?
I’m just going to admit this and stop talking around it: I’m terrified right now. I have no real idea what’s going on in my life. I have no idea what’s going to be happening in the future. I don’t feel like I have a solid foundation to stand on. And for the first time in my life, this scares the $hit out of me.
More immediately, 8 days from now, I’ll be in Los Angeles, heading to University of California Irvine to teach an independent study/workshop about something that I normally do not do in my professional life.
After 16 days, I’ll be flying to Arkansas for another project. I’ll be in suburban Arkansas for a month, designing and realizing a show. I don’t know what I’m getting myself into with that experience.
In two days, I’m dropping my dog off with my parents. I won’t see him for 7 weeks.
Tomorrow, I’m going to a cousin’s wedding. (I think I’m now the only single person on this side of the family, besides my tween-age nieces and nephews; I’m still technically at the kiddie table.)
So, there’s a whole lot of unknown flying in my direction and it’s really unsettling me.
And I’m tired of hiding that fear. I’m tired of being silent about it. I’m so exhausted by not having an outlet where I can unload and say, “Hey, I need to vent for a little bit. Can you please listen to me for 20 minutes?”
You know, I get it; I chose to be a freelance costume designer, so I signed up for a life of feast-or-famine, of poverty, of creative insecurity and inspiration, of self-doubt, of people “not getting it.”
But I’m tired of being anxious. And nervous. And feeling lost. Feeling unwanted. Feeling ignored.
Yeah, that may make me needy or moody, and I know I’m more than a little tired this week, and this is such a #whitepersonproblem but…
I just want to feel confident in something. I would like to belong to something and feel secure in that relationship.
That’s all for today. I’ve got four hours of fittings on a show where I’m not sure the person in charge knows what he wants…
Here we go.