Date: April 2, 2014
Days Spent on Project: 409
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Jeffrey W.
When I began assisting Donna on my first theater job in New York (Yay!), I was introduced to the costume shop manager at the New York Theatre Workshop. Jeffrey had also just started the job days before- their previous shop manager had recently “moved on” to other things.
Jeffrey has been around the theater scene in New York for a while; he seemingly knew everyone. Just having recently moved to New York and still getting my feet wet (on the crazy subway, on knowing where to get certain things, etc.), Jeffrey liked giving me advice on what to do and how to proceed about things. He was very helpful.
He also, from what I understand, had (has) quite the career as a drag performer in New York City. He made sure to show me the costume he made for himself when he dressed as Queen Elizabeth.
Years later, six actually, I once again found myself working around Jeffrey. I was hired to help an out-of-town designer on a workshop that had rented that particular theater space one summer. The theater itself had fallen on some great times and managed to build a set shop and costume shop across the street. The basement closet that we had worked from years ago was no longer their primary space. Unfortunately, the out-of-town designer decided to use the basement space… despite the lack of climate control and the many bug infestations.
Jeffrey offered to help every once and a while, again.
Music I listened to while sewing: This morning, Spotify suggested a group called Mokhov.
While nice to listen to, I’m gonna need some pop music soon.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Didn’t sleep again last night. This was probably for a few reasons; I was incredibly unsettled and bored all night last night, so my mind kept racing and wouldn’t settle down. I also indulged my boredom and promptly got ice cream, which might have been more processed sugar than I’ve had in a very long while.
I’m worried about the same things, as always.
It’s funny how dark everything is around 4am. Even with the sun rising closer to 6am now, it still feels so incredibly hopeless at that time in the morning.
What if none of the opportunities, the groundwork, that I’ve tried to work towards happen this summer and fall? What if it isn’t about diminished returns, but NO returns on anything?
At 4am, I almost convinced myself never to come back to New York after the California trip if more rejections start to pile up. (And we all know how healthy running away is!)
At 4am, I’m usually 100% convinced that I personally am my own worst enemy and have caused my career and life to implode. Still single? It’s gotta be my fault. Broke? Why would anyone pay you for your work? Career slow? It’s because you’re not good and everyone knows it.
Let’s forget the fact that I’m choosing not to date right now because I’m just not meeting anyone new and I don’t feel like I’ve got the energy to worry about/enjoy a relationship on top of feeling so poor. Let’s forget that design careers don’t follow a straight trajectory- somethings you’re really busy and other times are slow. Let’s forget that sometimes companies are just “forgetful” and it slips their minds to pay you when they say they will.
I did manage to reach out to four friends last night- via text- because I was so bored and just needed to feel like I had conversed somehow yesterday. All of them said they missed me. (Why aren’t we hanging out then?) I need to get together with my friends soon.
I need some friend time soon.