And, yes: the anxiety has arrived. A few days ahead of schedule, true, but maybe this means it’ll vacate by the time I need clear-thinking again.
The countdown has begun.
Date: March 23, 2014
Days Spent on Project: 399
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Jim N.
Jim was another acting student in my year at the Yale School of Drama. I wish I could remember this detail better, but his birthday is either the day before, or after, mine.
He always had a very cheerful outlook on in public. He ran the Yale Cabaret for a year, I believe (why are so many details about grad school hazy now?), which made him a minor celebrity at the YSD and also in New Haven.
He also has (had?) a drag persona that has (had?) taken off since our time in grad school.
Always fun. Always had a smile. Always “fabulous,” as he would say.
Music I listened to while sewing: Today, on the suggestion of a friend, I’m listening to St. Vincent’s new album. It’s so good!
I’ve listened to “Birth in Reverse” for the past hour… cause I don’t ever get stuck in ruts.
Some other highlights are “Regret,” “I Prefer Your Love,” and “Digital Witness.”
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Woke up this morning from a crazy specific anxiety dream.
I was at a production meeting for a large upcoming production, sitting in the office that we used as a meeting space at the Yale Repertory Theatre. I wasn’t back in grad school; I was certainly considered a “professional” designer in the context of the dream. But, this meeting (was it about budgeting? rehearsal? design?) just went horribly wrong in the worst way. One person kept insisting my work was shoddy, my ideas were uninspired, I was mentally imbalanced… It was horrible, and I remember trying to smile throughout the entire meeting, while everyone else just looked silently on.
So, this morning, with Venti Coffee in hand, I’ve written a list of things to do that include time at the dog run with The Dog, then some time at the gym, and then the rest of the day spent working on the things I can control: going through the portfolios I plan to display this week and starting to organize thoughts about the upcoming masterclass.
Today, work on preparation and focus on what’s in my ability to control.
I have no time to entertain thoughts of inability or hopelessness or pointlessness or debt and so on.
Stay focused. It’s a big week ahead, and I have to make sure to be my best.