Block 336: February 6, 2014

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Guess who needs a kick in the pants to get going today?

Date: February 6, 2014

Crane: 336

Days Spent on Project: 355

Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC

Person I would have sent it to: Andrew N.

Andrew was another of the sound designers in my class at the Yale School of Drama. Along with Sharath from yesterday, I considered us a good group of friends.

I think part of the reason Andrew and I got along so well was that he was originally from Michigan- a fellow Midwesterner. Come to think of it… Sharath was originally from Ohio too. Maybe we Midwesterners can identify each other in large groups easily?

Andrew was and is another one of those blessed people with a personality that draws others to him. I don’t think he had any issues making friends from all walks of the Drama School, and I’m honestly a bit jealous of that.

After we graduated from the Yale School of Drama, the plan was to move to New York together, splitting an apartment and therefore making it slightly more affordable to live here. That plan didn’t last long. After spending my first summer as a Yale graduate in Chicago at NHSI again, I found my first assisting gig in New York and a series of productions in Providence, RI. Andrew was called  away from New York quickly. Sharath also got super busy in a different area of the country. We were all so busy at first that we could never get together and locate a place to live together. Eventually, we called a truce and each found our own places… all in Brooklyn, but very much spread out.

Andrew now works as… well… in a sound design consulting firm, I think? He was based here in New York for a while, moved to California, and now is back east in Connecticut.

Music I listened to while sewing: For lack of knowing what to put on this morning, I chose The Drowned Man playlist again. Couldn’t think of anything else.

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: My dog has already been outside three times this morning. I think he’s over his fear of snow.

I failed on my goal of working on all my projects for at least an hour yesterday. I ended up needing to devote most of my day to the web-series that shoots next week. I’ve done hardly anything on it actually- still no cast or measurements or budget or resources so what can I do?- but I did manage to sit down with one of the producers and the director/writer yesterday. I have a feeling this project is all going to happen at the last minute, and be held together by spit and a prayer. But it could be good?

But because of all the unknown quantities with that project, I was left feeling a little scattershot and unfocused when I got home. Can I do anything? Can I prepare more? Can I make a list? Can I plan what to shop? How do you shop when $200 has to cover six episodes of people? Will a breakdown help me? Will it help to read the scripts again? What do I do? I spun myself into a calm tizzy, where I tried to make myself prepared emotionally and mentally for knowing that I’d be getting really crazy and frustrated in the near future.

So, again, I didn’t sleep well last night. Which, again means that I’m super lazy this morning and lethargic.

So I know I’m doing this to myself. I’m working myself into these nights of sitting in bed and panicking about everything that’s out of my control. I’m taking the fun out of the present by choosing to worry about the unknown.

I should have just shut everything off- phone, computer, email, etc.- and just watched a movie and had some tea or seltzer and a sandwich and then put myself in bed and read something for pleasure instead of choosing to wallow in panic.

There you go.

It’s interesting to note that I knew I was sending myself on a downward emotional spiral and that I myself was upsetting myself. I knew I was doing it and I did think I should stop and take a breath or a walk with the dog. But I never did; something about the panic felt easier to embrace.

It’s weird to think that you can understand what’s going on and not really have the ability to change directions easily. It’s weird to think that it’s sometimes seems easier to make yourself miserable than to make a small, yet easy- effort to make yourself somewhat content.

Things you realize.

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