Block 331: February 1, 2014

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I’m having a “Doesn’t anyone out there even see me?” kind of morning.

Date: February 1, 2014

Crane: 331

Days Spent on Project: 350

Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC

Person I would have sent it to: Rachel M.

Rachel was a costume designer the year below me at the Yale School of Drama. She came to New Haven from the west coast. Why do I think it was Portland? Is that right?

I’ll always remember Rachel for her intense, wild curly hair. She had a personality to match, in a good way of course, making sure everyone knew who she was and making sure she knew everyone. (I need to be more like that.) She’s still working in design; based again on the West Coast, she still does theater and has started to work in film. A movie she did recently got all sorts of buzz and press- Short Term 12, I think it’s called?

Rachel, my second year when I was designing my first production of Hedda Gabler, was assigned to assist me. Is there anything to say about that pairing? I’ll have to talk about that experience, and that show later… on another Crane.

Music I listened to while sewing: I’ve got The Chill Out Playlist strumming along in the background. Oof, I need that reminder this morning because I’m…

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: … so not calm or feeling good right now. I didn’t sleep at all last night.

What was it THIS time, you might ask, rolling your eyes?

I feel alone. I feel like I’m in a vacuum. I feel like I’m banging against a door that won’t open for me. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. I feel like I should be better than this. I feel desperate. I feel confused. I feel lost.

I do not, necessarily, feel angry.

I feel like I could walk away from my apartment with my dog, and the world wouldn’t notice.

I feel like it was decided somewhere at some time by some group of people that I wasn’t needed or wanted or good enough.

I feel like I am good enough.

I feel unattractive and also desperate for attention. I feel like I’m attractive enough to get attention, so I must have done something wrong.

I feel like I just want friends. I feel like I want these 1000 Cranes to like me, to acknowledge me, but I expect people to roll their eyes at this “craft project” I’m doing/spending money on/passing time with.

I feel that people can sense I’m unhappy right now, and that’s why no one wants to be a part of my life. I get that! I do! At four in the morning, I almost called 311 just to talk to an Operator about life in general. It’s ridiculous, right?

I’m being ridiculous, right?

Despite not having slept well, I’ll get myself to the gym to run off more of this anxiety. I’ll get to the grocery too.

Day in, day out.

Cheers.

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2 thoughts on “Block 331: February 1, 2014

  1. I am sorry for your pain… and that i live too far away to be a tangible go-for-coffee friend… and, laughingly, not even sure you would want *my* drama-filled experience in your life!!!

    i know this project (and your beautiful blocks) is giving you a chance to look back on the people in your life… and i believe that is (to a point) good for you… and sometimes hard on you too!

    i also hope you find that beautiful soul lesson that you cannot hold on to the past, cannot make a particular person like you then or now, cannot let your fear drive you into places you don’t want to go

    I, for one, would notice if you stopped posting… but i also recognize that i am not enough. so i will hope the dog hugs and gym sweat and process of doing the necessary things will get you through another day…

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