I slept in today. Happy 2014.
We all survived, didn’t we?
Date: January 1, 2014
Days Spent on Project: 319
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Bartender M.
The short end of the story? Well, after Dave broke up with me, saying the long-distance relationship wasn’t going to work, I experienced my first post-break-up emotional tailspin. Being gay and growing up/coming of age in the 1990s hadn’t really afforded me many opportunities (or any at all, if we want to be blunt) to date someone. While many people in high school- and even later in college- were finding people to couple up with, I was practicing the role of “good, gay best friend,” which is frequently seen in romantic comedies.
So, at 23, I experienced my first deep heartbreak. And, having just recently started my second season at Actors Theatre when all my friends from the previous season had dispersed in the winds, I was really at a loss for someone to reach out to. I didn’t have anyone close (both emotionally and in proximity) who could listen to me vent. (Cait, God bless her; I don’t know how many hours I spent talking to her in Fort Lauderdale over my first cell phone! I remember her telling me that a broken heart recovers in half the time the relationship lasted. Since Dave and I dated for 12/13 months, I sadly believed [foolishly] that I’d feel normal again in 6.5. months time. If only it were that simple!)
And, like the confused soul that I was, I tried to fill that emptiness as fast as I could.
If I haven’t said it before, much of the social activity at Actors Theatre revolved around going to the Theatre’s Bar after the evening’s shows finished to hang out with friends (from work), the actors, the crew, etc. Looking back, it was a little incestuous, but we were a family. We all liked being around each other.
One of the bartenders there was my age. Cute. Obviously gay. I decided that I was attracted to him, even though I’m not sure I was. I decided I should try to date him, because immediately after one meaningful relationship you should obviously dive right into another one, especially when you’re not even sure he’s interested or you’re interested and it’s probably just the proximity talking.
We went on one date, which wasn’t really a date: I met him after work one night. We would hang out with a group of his friends. And that one night was enough.
It’s good to make mistakes sometimes. You learn what you like. You learn what you’re not like.
Don’t ever do something you’re not sure about. Don’t ever attach yourself to someone just because you want to seem cool. While I believe it’s helpful to be a little uncomfortable in life (hey, it’s good to be pushed outside your comfort zone!), when you honestly feel uncomfortable listen to what your heart is telling you. I guess there is a spectrum of “uncomfortable,” too.
And you know what? Don’t rush yourself into anything. You need to heal at your own pace. Do what you need to do to make that happen, but be good to yourself.
It’s all a learning process.
Music I listened to while sewing: After last night’s party, I’m not sure I’m up for music… or noise yet. (And I’m not hungover… it was just so LOUD!)
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Last night was everything it needed to be. It was a reason to get out, do something, be lost in a huge crowd of people, act a little silly, celebrate what was 2013, welcome what 2014 could be, and have fun. So, mission accomplished.
After spending six hours inside the McKittrick, I decided I’d like to be more of an interesting person; I’d like to be more intriguing and approachable and welcome and “a part of” instead of “apart from.” Something about the company the McKittrick keeps, invites, and works with is inspiring. We’re all a little weird. You can really make some bold choices (in New York and especially in that building), and most people aren’t going to bat their carefully placed, rhinestoned fake eyelash.
I don’t know how best to do that for myself… Do I need to go out more? (Yes, in general.) Do I need to change my wardrobe? (Not really, but it would be nice.) Be more social? (Certainly.)
It’s a new year, gang.
Happy January 1st.