An uneasy day here in the city.
I signed my apartment lease on a Brooklyn apartment, my move to New York, on the fifth anniversary, in 2006.
Date: September 11, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 206
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Steve S.
Every morning of that first summer at NHSI, I would head to a 9am Voice and Movement class that was taught by Steve. I was his faculty associate for that session.
I think that participating and assisting in that class really allowed me to own some of the experiences and lessons I had back in London, just a few months prior. I was able to go back to those classes on Voice and projection and different kinds of movement; I’m not sure I was any good at the Voice section, but I loved the movement aspect of it all.
And I have to thank Steve, in a slightly awkward way, for being one of the first openly gay, confident adult men I’ve ever met.
It seems strange to think that there was a period in my life when I did not know any gay people. I was the only one. I was alone. Now, living in New York and especially having chosen a career in theater, most of the men I meet are gay; in fact, there are times when I assume most all the men around me *are* gay. That now seems normal.
And I personally do not ever want that to change. I have no desire to be The Other anymore. Life is hard enough, I don’t desire to be in an area where I’d be a “token.”
And, so Steve, for that short summer, really did serve as a role model. And I have to thank him for the lessons in the classroom and the confidence he made me aspire to outside the classroom.
Music I listened to while sewing: I’ve got pop music on… Right now that means Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Yesterday was a little rough; by the end of the day, I was cranky and over it.
I’m dealing with some feelings of “why bother” and “what’s the point” and “who cares.”
I feel under-utilized and bored and a little taken advantage of and forgotten; there were times when I wanted to walk around with my resume taped to my chest yesterday just to remind people that, yes, I’ve been here and done that and know what I’m doing and actually have more experience than some other people.
But I didn’t.
I’m swimming towards some pessimism and hopelessness right now. I need to re-direct that quickly because I know how I treat myself when that happens.
That’s my goal today: how can I get back on track?
And what was the trigger that caused this?