Yet another day where I can’t quite remember what day it is… that it’s only Tuesday seems unbelievable. And slightly unbearable.
Date: July 16, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 149
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Alex K.
How often do you run into people that you have incredibly unreasonable and inexplicable crushes on? I think I had a crush on Alex the entirety of my Kenyon career. And, no, it wasn’t some over-the-top obsession with Alex… it never got creepy or stalker-y or life-ending.
I just had a crush on him for four years. We were both drama majors. I feel like we were in more than a few classes together. We were even in a show together! He even directed me once- a show I agreed to audition for and perform in because he asked me… Sigh. But, we ran in different circles. He was with the “cooler” theater group. He was quiet, possibly a bit aloof.
I think that might have something to do with it.
Anyway, on my 20th birthday, during my sophomore year, somehow someone convinced him to go out with us for dinner. I was equally mortified and enthralled and invigorated. Like any hopeful romantic, I dreamt that meant something.
I don’t think it did. He was just being a friend.
He was, and remains, straight… SIGH.
Anyway, Alex… yet another one of the guys in my unbelievably long list of guys I’ve pined for who didn’t return the emotion. (A single tear is falling gently down my cheek. It’s quite touching.)
Music I listened to while sewing: I’ve got Les Miserables playing now. I’ve been listening to Javert’s song “Stars” on a loop for a bit.
I really do think he’s one of the more interesting characters in the show… even though he is, like most of them, kinda one dimensional with his relentless pursuit of Valjean, who he views as a criminal tainted beyond repair or forgiveness.
Just a reminder, in my mind, that the bad guy (in theater or film or what-have-you) IS acting out of a place of nobility. They don’t necessary think they’re the bad guy, you know?
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I had a moment, when I was cutting out my fabric and later when the Crane had been assembled and pressed and placed in its pile, where I wondered, “Why?”
“What difference is this making?”
What will this project mean, when it’s finished years from now, and I have a mountain of a quilt in my apartment?
How do we know we’re moving?
How do we know we matter?
I work in theater, and I’m used to the idea that we work hard to create a world that we perform for an audience and then that world will disappear eventually. The costumes will get thrown away or stored or returned to their owners. The sets will get tossed to the side. The actors will move on. The designers, myself included, will have gone on to the next project. We’ve made something for that moment; when that moment has passed, for whatever reason, its time to turn out that light and go on.
I don’t want this project to end, and realize that it can only be packed away and placed in storage.
It’s still early on in the process, but I hope it turns into something else, you know?
I just hope I’m not as impermanent as I currently feel I am. That’s all.