Date: July 9, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 142
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Maraleen S.
My second year at Kenyon, being an RA, we had to train for a week with other students who had been hired as the upperclassmen dorm version of RA’s (if that makes any sense).
Maraleen was a year older than myself, and in charge of one of one dorms on the south end of campus. I think it was an all female dorm, maybe the one single sex dorms on campus.
I can’t remember how we made a friend connection that year, what specific moment made me realize that this was someone I felt comfortable hanging out with. I think she was a Chemistry major, so Kenyon literally divided our classroom experience onto sides (I remember feeling all the scientific classes and majors used buildings on one side of Middle Path, the Arts and Humanities on the other.)
That observation is probably wrong, however.
So, I’m not sure how it happened, but I remember Maraleen as being someone within the RA community (for first year and upperclassmen dorms) that I respected a lot, enjoyed talking to, and with whom I’d share some laughs.
I also vividly remember listening to Liz Phair CD’s in her dorm room, for what it’s worth.
Music I listened to while sewing: Pop Music. A la Spotify.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: What would it take to make you realize you just needed a change?
What would be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back?
Ever since Saturday, when I got into an altercation with an actor who got more than a little verbally abusive, I’ve been thinking hard about what exactly I’m doing with my life.
I wouldn’t be lying if I said I’ve spent some time daydreaming about finding a job- any job- with little to no human interaction or responsibility… something that would occupy me for only 8 hours a day, something that I wouldn’t care about, something that would earn me some hourly money, something that I could do a disappear from this current life.
It’s actually enticing: think about working for 8 hours a day, just filing paperwork or typing numbers into an Excel document or organizing boxes. A job where you didn’t have to think or care or be asked to do much beyond sit there and stare at a screen.
But is that the answer?
Do I just turn away and abandon what I’ve been working towards for the past 14 years because an untalented actor needed to throw a temper tantrum and I was the one who unluckily received his attention?
I also daydream that with this rote, dull job, I’d be able to have more normal hours. Maybe I could hang out with friends. Maybe I could make more friends. Maybe I could go out on dates. Maybe I could allow myself to be social again?
But is that possible?
Having a dull job won’t make me any more social or attractive or interesting than I am now. I’m still imperfect and shy and leaden with baggage. If I veer my life into a new direction- that I ultimately don’t care about- would my life actually get better?
Heavy thoughts. Big thoughts.
I really don’t know what’s making me unhappy… it’s very likely I just need to sleep more than 5 hours a night for a while… and have some downtime and vegetate for a bit… and do something fun… and get over the fact that no matter where you are, there will always be people and places and work and times that make life difficult.
But, at what point does difficult mean “change?”
And, what exactly is “change?”