I get to start sewing three corsets for The Tempest today. I’ve cancelled all my plans, so here we go!
Date: June 29, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 132
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Sarah H.
When Brigid was the President of Kenyon’s student run drama group, Gil being the VP and I the Secretary, Sarah was the Treasurer. I feel like I spent many hours with these people, trying to instigate change in the drama community at Kenyon (!) and make our presence more known.
We had the brilliant idea of setting up a coffee shop inside the atrium of Kenyon’s library. For four hours a night, volunteers would sit behind a desk, selling coffee or tea or packaged snacks to students needing a break. I’m not sure we ever made any money, or even made any difference, but it was a fun project to spearhead.
Gil and Sarah were a pair.
Not romantically, of course; the two of them complemented each other in their drive, their dedication to projects, their work, etc. They were both English majors, they both worked for the student paper, they both committed themselves to drama as often as they could. They were always busy.
And we loved them for it.
Sarah now lives in New York, and I believe she has started her own catering business. I hear it’s successful.
Maybe that coffee shop did have a purpose after all.
Music I listened to while sewing: House music… More unemotional, electronic, synthetic noise for me this morning. I need the motivation to move right now.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: So the week just keeps going, doesn’t it?
I will say this… dealing with the after-effects of someone taking their own life is painful.
Yesterday, a friend confirmed what I suspected had happened.
That I suspected this explanation hurts.
On one hand, had it been “natural,” the loss would still be incredibly tragic. Learning more about my friend’s passing, the loss is now painful; even though I haven’t really spoken to her in depth in almost three years, I feel like I failed her.
I don’t know much about her more recent private life obviously, just spare details from our last conversation back in 2010… so I don’t want to plant seeds in anyone’s mind that I know more than I do. Because I don’t. I’m clueless.
But, it’s becoming more obvious to me how common “unhappiness” is in all our lives. It’s becoming more obvious how some of that “unhappiness” is actually full-out Capital D Depression. It’s becoming more obvious that Depression is a disease we can’t control. It’s becoming more obvious our bodies are tricking us, somehow inside us. This seems so common.
And, by extension, suicide necessarily isn’t as random as it appears.
We all have joked, “I could just kill myself…” because I’m so annoyed or overworked or angry or bored or sad.
I’m afraid that more than a few people don’t joke about that statement because they THINK that statement.
Who hasn’t felt alone or hopeless or lost or helpless or disconnected or unemotional or worthless?
To know that my friend might (again, I don’t know anything about the situation) have felt those things… To know my friend who had the best smile and made you feel happy and confident might have felt so completely the opposite on the inside… I just feel like I took from her and didn’t give enough back. Yes, that was high school- more than 15 years ago- but…
The doubt and confusion these situations leave is painful.
Today, I am taking my dog to the park. I will go to the gym. I will go to the garment district and buy a yard of navy blue poly-tafetta and 3 yards of a mint-green cotton. I will come home and work on these corsets. I will go to rehearsal tomorrow, after which I will keep sewing.
I’m going to keep myself busy.
Cheers to you all.