Another day in. Another day out.
Date: June 28, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 131
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Hannah L.
Hannah was Rowan’s (yesterday’s Crane) roommate in that first year hall at Kenyon.
She had a twin, which was kinda awesome. She was from North Carolina, and very geared towards nature. From what I remember, she liked guitar and bluegrass.
She was also an art student; I posed as her model several time that first year for her photography classes. I even have a few of those prints… somewhere in my apartment. Looking at them now, I see how “fresh-faced” I was.
She and Rowan’s room became a sort of home-base for me throughout the first year at Kenyon. I feel like I spent more than a few hours late at night talking to them there. They were to become two of my favorite people, two people who made me feel comfortable, that first year. I’m glad to have known and spent time with them that year.
Music I listened to while sewing: I just turned on a Dance Music playlist on Spotify this morning. I needed to listen to loud music without a heartbeat, without any emotion behind it.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I really just want to disappear today. I really just want to run away and not think and not have any responsibilities and not have to deal with other people and not think about actors and not listen to their “issues” during fittings and not have to tap-dance that costuming game of pleasing them and the producer and director and certainly not stay awake all night sewing corsets and clothing for a show… Just no.
To be blunt: I am ready for 2013 to end. I want it to end right now. This year, I’ve been fired from one very well paying job, been thrown under the bus in the most nasty way possible by someone I’ve worked with… I’ve learned that there may be an upcoming divorce in the family, that my niece has had some serious incidents in her life, that there was an arrest in the family, that a cousin I had never met died at 8 years old… I’ve seen my relationship with my parents start to crumble, a good friendship end permanently because we felt we needed to be honest with each other once, another friendship turn sour because of job-competition… I’ve learned that one of my best friends from high school passed away two days ago.
There are times when I don’t know what’s going on this year. Yes, I’m still, more or less, the same person I’ve always been. I have my “health.” I’m still able to function. I’m still alive.
But this year seems to be all about sacrifice.
This year has been all about… not giving up necessarily… but discarding. Perhaps?
And feeling alone. And feeling unwanted. And feeling like a waste. And feeling more and more clueless about what I want and how to operate and what I’m moving towards.
Please don’t give up. Please know there are people who want you here. Please know you’re not really alone. Please don’t feel lost. Please realize you’ve given so much and can give so much more.
Thinking about Theresa’s last day alive… Knowing how alone or lost or despondent she might have felt. I wish I had been there. I haven’t seen her in three years! I don’t even live anywhere near Indiana anymore! I’m heartbroken because someone who appeared so infectiously full of life may have actually felt exactly the opposite.
I thought she was so strong. And, yes, she was; knowing the issues that she was dealing with later in life, she was strong.
Be strong. None of us are going through this easily or without issue. We’re all fumbling through, stumbling along the way, you know?
Okay, it’s time for me to go tonight.