And… the day is done. 6:15pm… and I’m pooped.
Date: June 25, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 128
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Brigid S.
Brigid, even though she has moved to the west coast, married, and had two children, remains someone that I try to keep in my life- even if it’s mostly done through Facebook and Twitter.
I think she’s someone to look up to.
During our first year at Kenyon, she roomed with Eli McC. I gravitated towards her, it felt instantaneously, because she was also going to major in Drama.
She seemed to be one of the “firsts,” that first year. She got a lead role in one of the student productions that Fall semester, when most of us were just trying to figure out what to audition for and what groups to dedicate ourselves to and who to hang out with. And she was good. Later, our second year, she also landed another lead in a student production; personally, that production remains one of the top 5 productions I’ve seen in my life, it was so cathartic.
Brigid appeared to have a grasp on who she was and what she wanted. She was really intelligent. I believe she held other people to that standard as well. She was funny and sociable. I believe people liked hanging out with her and enjoyed her company. She was the president of our drama department’s student organization- a position you had to be elected to- in our second year.
I was elected secretary, which I enjoyed.
But, I was always in awe that Brigid could have that position of “authority” (I assumed she was present for all faculty meetings, negotiated seasons, etc. Most likely, she just wrangled we students around so we didn’t rub the department rules the wrong way).
After college, when I was applying to Yale for my MFA, I discovered that Brigid had been accepted the year prior. When I flew out for my interview, I stayed at her apartment, she gave me a quick tour of the “drama” campus, and let me hang out with her.
I always think of her as incredibly sharp and smart. I believe her kids are lucky to have her as a mom. I believe she does good work.
It’s been in the past few years, when we’ve talked over social media, that I’ve realized things weren’t always perfect in her life- that she’s dealt with her own issues (like we all do). And that somehow makes her more great, in my opinion.
I qualify her as one of my friends who is a success. As much as that means, and I know many of my college friends are doing wonderful things, but I think she’s done pretty well in life.
Music I listened to while sewing: I started out by listening to Elle Goulding’s cover of “Heartbeats.”
Then I switched over the “Young and Beautiful” by Lana Del Rey.
And repeat. Over and over and over.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I’m tired today partly because I was up until 3am last night/this morning.
Around midnight, when I was flat-patterning what would be the robe for Prospero in this production of The Tempest, I had a striking epiphany…
“Why am I doing this? I can easily buy a kimono in New York and just call it done.”
I texted my friend Mikey, thinking that this epiphany needed to be shared.
He wasn’t as blown over by the realization as I was. Yes, he agreed, it would be relatively easy to find an ankle length kimono in New York City. He reassured me that, no, my standards weren’t imploding; I was just at a point when I realized my time and rest were valuable.
What am I trying to prove here? I don’t need to overwork myself, building this particular garment. I’ve already got enough on my plate: building three silk boned bodices for the Ariels is enough work for a production of this scale. I realized last weekend I didn’t need to make their chiffon skirts either: just buy lightweight, floor-length summery cotton skirts and adapt them.
Why do I feel the need to push and try and work so hard?
Who am I trying to impress? These companies? The audience? My assistant? These actors?
Who is this for?
On one hand, I think it’s really fun; that’s why I push myself to draw these things, figure them out, and build them. On the other hand, I push myself- and not necessarily others- hard; that’s why I get frustrated and tired.
What do I need to do to just enjoy it?
When will I be okay with just doing enough?
What will it take?