Block 123: June 20, 2013

athousandquiltedcranes123

 

One corset mock-up made last night; debating if I should make three, or if I can get away with two for my fittings next week…

Date: June 20, 2013

Crane: 123

Days Spent on Project: 123

Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC

Person I would have sent it to: Molly B.

Molly and I had an instant connection when we first met during freshman orientation at Kenyon. Not only did we live down the hall from each other, but we were both from Indiana. She was even from a city where some of my cousins lived!

For a while at the beginning of that year, the room she shared with Julie B. was one of the first places I would go to to work on class projects and readings and then to hang out.

Wasn’t it easy back in college to make friends? When connections, however tenuous, were instantly made and kept until they naturally evolved into something else (non-friendship, simple acquaintances, or best friends)? I’m somewhat nostalgic for that.

Molly was going pre-med. She was very upfront about that from day one. She ended up making better friends with other people on our floor, as I did too. We were friends for that entire first year, but I lost contact with her after that… when we inevitably focused more on our specific majors.

Music I listened to while sewing: I thought about listening to SNM again, but I resisted that urge. I chose Macklemore & Ryan Lewis this morning. Just needed a change.

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Nothing deep or major yet today.

I just want to remind I myself am my greatest champion. If I don’t value my work or my worth, no one else has that responsibility.

I don’t define my value and my worth for myself, I’m giving that power to others. Others, I’m learning, will define it however they need it.

I am smart. I have a BA from a respected liberal arts school and an MFA from an Ivy League school. I live in New York. I own a dog who’s pretty awesome. I work in theater. I work in theater regularly, and have been doing so (and making money from doing it) since I was 20; that’s a total of 14 years.

I believe I can draw. I believe I can figure things out. I believe I have a lot to offer, and I have been given opportunities to demonstrate that.

I know I work hard. I know I’m incredibly focused on the work I do.

I work freelance design in New York. I understand that I am poor. I remind myself frequently that this does not make me a burden or lesser than others or hurtful or a failure or doomed to fail or untalented or blind to life. I understand that a majority of my friends who do this are all in the same boat as I am.

I realize I don’t have a large gathering of friends to call and talk to whenever. But I do have good friends. I tell myself that the people I call friends would call me friend back.

I am aware I don’t date. I am aware that I could easily date. I am aware that people call me attractive. I am aware that I am choosing not to pursue this. I am aware that things in my life keep me from doing this. I would like to change this, I would. But I can’t right now.

But, here’s something: I am here. I am still here. I could have given up, in so many ways could I have given up, but I haven’t. I am surviving. Yes, I’ll admit to struggling in this survival.

But I am still here. So I have worth. I know I have worth.

I am walking a line right now. The line isn’t a wide one; it has to be fairly straight and narrow right now for me to keep making the moves that I think I need to make.

I also understand that I have no idea if I’m doing any of “this” right. I would like the security of knowing that my choices and actions are good and will take me where I need to go. But I can’t know that. And neither can you. We’re human. None of us know for certain what’s happening.

I am trying to be good. That’s all I’m trying to do.

And I do feel, if that’s my intention- to do good and be good and keep moving- I’m okay.

What good does it do to convince myself otherwise?

Time to move.

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